Chain reaction? Cheryl can count herself lucky
Whoever does Liam Payne’s publicity really needs to come up with some new ideas.
I’m not buying the PR line that he’s every cougar’s catch of the century and delivers “mind-blowing” love action.
Mind-numbing, maybe.
Last week, amid rumours rum of an alleged fling with Naomi Campbell, he posted a picture of himself doing tricep dips with giant chains round his neck. Eh?
“Comment what you’re thinking,” he wrote, which we assume was meant to be risque.
I was thinking that Cheryl must be glad she’s only got one wee boy to look after now.
Instead, we get the unedifying sight of Theresa May playing Cupid with the DUP. She flew off to Belfast with as much deluded optimism as Liam Neeson at his next job interview, desperate to woo the Unionists into accepting an amended form of border backstop.
Of course her advances were rebuffed. May thought she could seduce Arlene Foster with a promise that a hard border would be avoided, she just didn’t quite know how. Ah, the old “I can change… let me try” line. But Foster is not the kind of woman you win over with good intentions.
Frankly, I wouldn’t want to take her a box of chocolates with one missing. And heaven forfend it was the orange cream.
The backstop was “toxic”, according to Foster, and “it would cause the break-up of the United Kingdom”. Which more or less snapped in half the PM’s cautious arrows of love but, really, what did she expect? A kiss and a snuggle and a spirited “OK, let’s give this crazy thing a try”. Ironically, amid all the talk of break-up, Sinn Fein were busy plotting a referendum on Irish reunification. Love, hate, together, apart – strong and stable relations seem a dark and distant memory. So it fell to EU Council President Donald Tusk, a man whose first language is Polish, to express in English what most sensible sorts are thinking. He pondered “what that special place in hell looks like for those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely”. Safely. An interesting word. The Leave brigade have been so reckless with what we had. And while Westminster Tories puffed in outrage at his insolence, I’d suggest popping his statement on posters, T-shirts, caps, even Hallmark cards that we can send out instead of Valentine’s, final love letters to Europe. Billets-doux, in fact (we still like a bit of French). Because we already know what hell looks like for those left to suffer the consequences of those Brexiteer actions. It looks like food and medicine shortages. It looks like chaos at our borders. It looks like new Troubles for the poor folk on the island of Ireland. It looks like EU nationals who’ve lived here and contributed here for decades having to apply for a special status to carry on doing so. It looks like 360 Police Scotland officers placed on stand-by for March 29. “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?” SNP MP Joanna Cherry told those Commons blowhards who took such offence at Tusk’s remarks. Oh yeah, it hurts like hell. The present is gloomy, the future is grey… let’s ditch all this nonsense and just choose to stay. Fos ter Ma and y