MUCHAS GRACIAS

I swear we’ve kept it clean in pros’ Spanish class with CalMac .. but ice water forfeit was a rude awakening

I’d set pupils and teachers a challenge to walk or run 1k, 3k or a 5k and if the whole school surpassed 500km, I’d complete a forfeit.

Did I think they would manage it? Well, obviously not. Otherwise I wouldn’t have found myself in the bathtub as my fiancee Katie poured a pot of ice- cold water over my head for everyone at Crossford Primary in Fife to enjoy.

We’ve not learned any rude words after two weeks of the Spanish class that PFA Scotland have put on, otherwise a few may have slipped out on camera.

Celtic’s Callum McGregor and Greg Taylor are in the class, as well as Steven Davies at Hamilton and Kilmarnock’s Adam Frizzell. Then there’s former Dundee United midf ielder Scott Robertson, Murray Mackintosh at Forfar, Smart Osadolor of Elgin and Raith player Ross Matthews.

It sounds like the makings of a cracking five-a-side team – although I think you would just press ahead with the Celtic lads and a couple of the Premiership boys.

When you line up on a Friday before a game – 11 v 11 – you get the first team and the whipping boys. I think me, Murray and Ross would be among the latter. But listen, we give it our all – and at Spanish too. Your head is gone by the end of the two-hour class then you’re revising for the following week.

Could this change the whole complexion of insults on the pitch? Potentially. Unless Bobby Madden and Willie Collum have been doing their Spanish classes too – we don’t know.

We have not learned any rude words yet – I only know puta madre because I watch Narcos on Netflix.

It has all been, “Can you speak slower? Do you speak English?”.

And this week we had a five-minute debate on the English word for churros – it’s churros, in case anyone is wondering – because our teacher didn’t believe it was the same for both.

I’ve been surprised by the maturity of the boys. You can imagine footballers reverting to their school days and acting like class clowns but no, they’re brilliant.

Although Accies striker Steven was cursing his luck in the introductory class as with every question he seemed to be the first sacrificial lamb called upon purely because he was in the box next to the teacher’s on the screen.

He got away with it this week – he must have been positioned somewhere else. Plus, a noise coming from someone’s microphone meant we all had to turn off the sound before being asked one by one to answer. I think he was relieved for the mute function.

Scott was getting a lot of it this time but, to be fair, he is more advanced than us. I thought I was the star of the class but he knows his stuff.

Next week will separate the men from the boys because we are ggettingg into some difficultult bits of language that arere very different to our own.wn.

But all of thesese guys have turnedd up with a good attitude and are looking to better t h ems e l v e s . The future is uncer tain for footballers so it iss good to see.

PFA Scotland haveave been great. Theyy are putt ing on ass many courses as they canan and trying to get us access to ones that would otherwise cost a bit of money and time.

I’m sure they’re conscious of the fact there may come a time when clubs can’t pay players as much, or people have to drop to part-time.

Adding qualifications is going to help in the long run and this is the time to do it.i There is no pressure to do these things anda everyone has their own issues. But ifi you have a few hours in the day you mightm as well put them to good use. It was time better spent this week than following one of Gary Lineker’s Twitter tales about the time he joined NBA star Michael Jordan on the golf course through to a flat finale. Although it did get me thinking back to meeting those I’ve most admired.

I remember at the PFA dinner last year, Grado the wrestlerwrestle was at our table because he is friends with Ricky Little at Arbroath. He was mad. WeW got to the stage wherewhe we were going out after it and were chargingch the phones in the hotel room.

I ’ d had a few drinksdr and plucked up the courage to get a suplexs move from GradoGra on to the bed beforebefo I pulled off the WWE sell, rolling about writhing in pain.

The Bundesliga returned yesterday after South League did Korea’s K so last weekend. Across stadiums in Korea they were playing crowd noises loudspeak ers to over the fact games compensa te for behind are being played I closed fear if they doors. did the same it would just here silence be abuse – at New the interrupted

Bayview by “Why the f*** are you bringing Denholm on?”

They say never meet your heroes but that one worked out well – a fantastic memory.

Besides that, my team East Fife played Rangers this season in the Scottish Cup and were beaten 3- 0. But then I shook hands with Steven Gerrard and I couldn’t help but sniff him as I walked past. I can tell you he does smell magnificent.

An aroma of authority and respect.