It’s party time.. but just not that kind of party
It’s Oscars night... the 93rd Academy Awards will be staged outdoors in Los Angeles in a scaled-down event that will be short on the usual glitz.
What a shame, because we could really do with the entertainment of gawping at the A-listers as they shimmy along the red carpet trying to pretend they don’t care if they win.
Here in Scotland, our set-piece excitement takes the form of a parliamentary election campaign. Holyrood, not Hollywood – worlds apart indeed. With 10 days left till the big vote, the parties are putting on their best acts, desperate to win us over, even if that means selling us a line or two.
They deserve a bit of recognition, don’t they? So, ladies and gents, meet the winners of the very first Hoscars… the Holyrood Oscars.
Tearful acceptance speeches are banned due to Covid.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Ruth Davidson, soon to be Baroness Davidson.
What a performance she’s given in her role as understudy to the “real” Scottish Tory leader, Douglas Ross. The troublesome fact that Ross is an MP and not a member of the Scottish Parliament at the moment means versatile Ruth has had to share the spotlight more often than she’d like. I mean, the woman’s got packing to do so she can move to the House of Lords – those ermine-trimmed robes aren’t going to leap into a suitcase by themselves, are they? (Sadly, the ermine are long dead). Who could fault her appearance by his side on Edinburgh’s Calton Hill the other day, helping Doughty Dougie slide a gigantic voting paper into a huge envelope so that we muddle-headed voters know how to complete a postal vote. She was the Bond Girl to his 007, the Bonnie to his Clyde, the Debbie McGee to his Paul Daniels. And that’s magic!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Boris Johnson. Sometimes less is more in politics and the PM has wisely decided that the less time he spends in Scotland, the more support he’s giving Wee Dougie Ross. His non-appearance during the election campaign is, ironically, the best performance he’s ever put in. Give him enough plaudits for it and maybe he’ll stay away forever.
BEST DIRECTOR
Whoever puts together campaign films for
George Galloway’s All
for Unity Party. The
bright spark took Gorgeous George and hhisis battle soapbox to GretnaGreenGretnaGreen last week to deliver fiery oratory overr Nicola Sturgeon’s handling of
Covid restrictions. There he was,s, supported in the background byy his better half – aka Mrs Gallowayay – who spent most of the speech hanging on to an election billboard that was being blown about by the wind. Just as ever-verbose Galloway got into his stride – ranting about “Brigadoon obscurantism” – the workmen drilling up the road nearby upped the ante with their jackhammer. Sadly, I fear I still heard George accusesee the Scottish Government of spending taxpayers’ cash having words like “dildo” translated into Gaelic. Ahem.
Cecil B DeMille, rest easy.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Nicola Sturgeon. Say what you like about her policies but the First Minister is way out in frontnt with her natty line of face masks.ks. She even coordinates them with herer outfits,outfits topping off her favourite monochrome ensembles with matching tartan masks. No disposable blue surgical versions for the SNP leader, even when she’s slicing off Alba defectors like bothersome warts. Then there’s her kick-ass shoe collection. Kudos to any woman who can turn up to a year of Covid briefings in 3in stilettos without a pause to rub skint heels or searing corns. Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but backwards and in high heels (clarification: Sturgeon has definitely not done EVERYTHING Salmond did). BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT The Alba Party Campaign Broadcast. Who can stop
watching w this masterclass in cinematography? Nothing No says “modern, progressive Scotland” more m than a gathering of clans on a windswept hillside: hi standards flying, patriotic hearts swelling sw with pride. This is the Braveheart
Mel M Gibson wanted to make – but thought it stretched the limits of shortbread-tin Scottishness Sc a little too far. As the Robert the Bruce Br statue should have cried at the end of the th ad: “They may take our SNP memberships but bu theyy will never take our supermajority.”
BEST BE ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
(alsalso known as “sticking res resolutely to the script so you don don’t mess up the party’s best chance chan for years of gaining votes”) Step fforward Scottish Labour leader Anas Sarwar. His tactics for scraping seconsecond place in the election seem to be “do no harm”. What does he think about a second IndyRef? He can’t risk losing independencei voters so change the subsubject. What about renegotiating Bojo’s Brexit?B Well, that’s quite tricky because Starmer doesn’t want to, so just move on.on Can he succeed by being a nice, positivpositiveve guy?g Maybe, maybe not. Let’s waitt anand see. Now, back to the script – hhow d’you fancy a £75 voucher to spespend on the high street?
BE BEST VISUAL EFFECTS Lib De Dem leader Willie Rennie. He has skiskilfully created the illusion that he iis a tiny little man by staging photphotocalls beside ginormous props. The camera trickery of The Hobbit hhas nothing on Willie’s tactics: recline on a ssuper-sized deckchair; play withith enormous chess pieces, wander around with a humongous “pledge card” almost as big as himself, a bit like putting a sandwich-board on a toddler. We’re reliably informed Rennie is not a Hobbit, though his hopes of victory are borne of fantasy land.
BEST ACTOR & ACTRESS Co-winners of this co-award are Green Party co-leaders Patrick Harvie and Lorna Slater. They would probably rather not be assigned to a gender-based category and reckon they should be judged as co-stars. The Scottish Greens have got themselves into a bit of a fankle with a manifesto pledge that appears to scrap the recording of sex and gender on birth certificates. Their Hoscar statuette will be allowed to self identify.
■ A family’s gender revreveal party fireworks wewere so loud, they set off aan earthquake scare.
TThe parents in New HaHampshire used 80lb of eexplosives in a quarry insinstead of a confetti gugun. Police say the blablast rattled homes and bleblew pictures off walls. ThThere were no injuries.