TimeTravel
Lunchtime in Britain on December 31 usually has one ritual – watching Sydney greeting the New Year. Since 1976 the Australian city has wowed the world with impressive fireworks against the magnificent backdrop of the Opera House and Harbour Bridge.
The shows are often linked to current events, such as a dove of peace to mark the 9/11 terror attacks, and a birthday cake effect to celebrate 100 years of Australia as a nation. Get ready to say g’day to 2019 just before 1pm tomorrow. JANUARY: In a 4am tweet ‘‘to save the UK from Brexit’’, President Rump announces Brits will not need a visa to travel to the US. Bewildered White House aides point out they don’t need one anyway, just an Esta. FEBRUARY: Ryanair increases the fee for changing a name on a plane ticket to €1,000 per passenger. MARCH: Britain leaves the EU as panned (not a typo) at 11pm on the 29th. PM Darth-Rees-Mogg pledges to “move Britain into a new age”. Unfortunately that age is the 14th century and lifelong feudal serfdom is introduced for Remoaners. APRIL: In a 4am tweet “to save the KU from Brixet”, President Rump annexes Britain as the 51st US state. Bewildered White House aides point out he really can’t do that, though Brits agree to take the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream factory as a dowry.
MAY: PM Darth-Bo-Jo calls a snap General Election. Brenda from Bristol tells him “we are not having another one”, so the nation quietly ignores him and enjoys a pleasant Bank Holiday heatwave by the coast, with plenty of free Ben & Jerry’s. JUNE: Ryanair increases the fee for changing a ticket name to €3,000 and a pint of the passenger’s blood. JULY: In a 4am tweet “to save the Ukulele from Bitrex”, President Rump says the population of Britain will be moved to Guantanamo Bay to maintain civil order. Bewildered White House aides point out he really can’t do that, though Britons vote 100%-0% in a snap referendum that a week’s free holiday in Havana would be an acceptable compromise. Hasta la victoria siempre! AUGUST: Ryanair increases the fee for changing a name on a plane ticket to €7,000 and a kidney. SEPTEMBER: A new rail timetable is introduced across the nation, with 100% of trains running on time. Sadly for perpetually dismayed, delayed and ripped-off British rail travellers, that nation is Japan. OCTOBER: PM Darth- DuncanSmith heads to Brussels to renegotiate the €7 per person Etias fee for Brits to travel visa-free to the EU. After losing a “best of three” rock-paper-scissors contest to EU Emperor Jean-Claude Juncker, the Etias fee is raised to €700 per person. NOVEMBER: The world’s biggest cruise ship is launched. With 77,512 passengers and 21,865 crew, at seven miles long and a mile wide, it gets wedged in the Strait of Gibraltar. It takes 11 weeks to disembark everyone for a spot of duty-free shopping. DECEMBER: In a Bobby-Ewing-inthe-shower moment, Britain wakes up from a very odd dream about something called Brexit and life carries on as normal with everyone booking their holidays on Boxing Day. Happy and safe travels in 2019!