Hard work behind happily ever after
Often I look at celebrity couples and think, “Yep, you’ve got it all. The looks, the lifestyle, the perfect relationship and family. The whole fairytale.”
It’s not just celebs. Friends bombard us with images every day on social media. Romantic meals, dreamy holidays, beaming kids.
But this week Fearne Cotton gave us an actual honest glimpse into her relationship. She’s been married to guitarist Jesse Wood – son of Rolling Stone Ronnie – for four years, and revealed they went through a really rough patch.
It culminated in a two-hour screaming match in a park. She admitted: “We wondered where the love had gone and worried it might not come back.”
I follow Fearne on Instagram and her life does look fairytale perfect. She bakes, has giggles with her two young kids, does yoga and hangs out with her celeb mates and handsome rock star hubby.
But it doesn’t matter if you are a Radio One DJ, hairdresser or grandad of five – relationships are hard work. They need compromise, communication, equality, honesty. Not the things that make it into the love songs – but these are the things that make a marriage last.
For Fearne, the cracks appeared when Jesse was away touring and she was left juggling her career with the kids. They were “desperately clinging on to their marriage”.
This really resonated with me. I’ve been married to Steve for 15 years and it’s not been plain sailing. There have been times where I’ve wanted to walk.
The worst was when I’d just adopted Amara and was at home looking after two kids under the age of three, while trying to work.
Money was tight and I remember thinking, is this my life? Rushed off my feet, shattered, unappreciated, with a hubby out working all hours.
We sank into daily bickering and sometimes would not talk for days. I was fed up and wanted out.
Like Fearne, a blow-up argument actually became our cement and saved our relationship. It made us realise what we stood to lose.
Steve fought hard to save our marriage. When I said I’d had enough, he told me: “You will find love again, but you will still have the same problems to deal with but just with a new person.”
I realised I was not prepared to give up my long-term happiness because of short-term problems.
Tonight I’ll be Cinderella on Dancing On Ice, with my Prince Charming cheering me on.
But you don’t see Cinders and Princey on his less charming days, when he’s not done the washing-up and she’s yelling at him to put the toilet seat down.
The reality is every relationship has bad days, boring days, sniping, resentment and major doubts. You need to see through the fairytale filter on social media.
There is no doubt that kids put a strain on relationships. And, of course, some marriages are worth ending, especially if someone feels abused or cheated.
But I remember someone telling me a marriage is like home maintenance. When the smoke detector starts beeping, you fix it, you don’t buy a new house.
For me, the easy option would have been to leave. But we put the effort in and I love Steve more than ever.
Like Fearne, you get a deeper relationship working through the bad stuff together.