Dom flouts the rules.. then we get mob rule
Human behaviour can be so astonishing. A survey of 40,000 people this week discovered there was a massive drop in the number of Brits who followed lockdown rules after Dominic Cummings was found to have broken them himself.
You can’t blame the Government for being caught out. I mean, who could guess the public would be less likely to follow the rules when the person giving them out takes no notice of them and says he had to drive to Barnard Castle to check his eyesight?
This is why the best driving instructors tell learners how important it is to look in the mirror before indicating, then setting off slowly in first gear.
They should say, “But first, watch this”, and spin the tyres before reversing at full speed through the window of the Co-op, asking the learner to lean out and grab some crisps as he drives down the middle aisle. Then if they’re caught by the police they can say, “I’ve got earache” and carry on.
If Dominic Cummings was a captain in a plane, he’d announce at the start of the flight: “We ask that you remain in your seats at all times when the seatbelt sign is showing.”
As soon as turbulence started he’d put a trampoline on the floor, shout “look at me everyone”, and bounce on it while smoking a cigar and juggling grenades.
One in three people who had broken the rules gave the Dominic Cummings story as their reason.
The survey found “people were actually using the word ‘ Cummings’ in encounters with the police to justify antisocial behaviour”.
This is a tremendous achievement.
Usually most people don’t know the name of the Prime Minister’s adviser but he has changed all that. Now there are people who use his name to justify doing a wee in a public fountain or poisoning their neighbour’s fish.
In some countries, this might result in the person caught cheating having to resign. Similarly, if a health and safety officer gave a lecture to office staff about the importance of tucking away loose cables that might be tripped over, and then fired a bazooka at the accounts department, incinerating the fourth floor, they might be given a written warning at least.
But he’s got away with it. Now several witnesses claim they saw him on another day in the woods in Durham.
If these claims are true, I’m sure there’s a simple explanation. Maybe his eyesight got a lot worse that day and he thought he was popping into the kitchen.
But he went through the wrong door and instead of putting the kettle on he got in his car and drove to Durham, all the while thinking the steering wheel was a teapot.
The witnesses say Cummings was walking with his wife, but I expect he took her because he thought she was a packet of biscuits.
Then Boris will say: “I accept that. Now let’s draw a line under it, and the fact we have the highest infection rate in Europe shows we’re leading the world in defeating the virus.”
I’m a Celebrity can’t go to Australia this year so the show will be filmed in a castle somewhere in
Wales. It will be a secret location but the local community must be told. Or they’ll all need therapy as they sit rocking backwards and forwards muttering: “I’ve gone mental, I’m sure I saw Sol Campbell, Martine McCutcheon and Jeremy Corbyn eating slugs in the rain on the hill to Aberystwyth.”