If Tories were football team, they’d lose 43-0
Boris Johnson now almost boasts proudly that he’s useless. During the floods he was on holiday and during high-level meetings about the virus he was on a weekend break.
Now, during the collapse of the economy, he’s camping.
He’ll emerge from Brexit talks in Brussels, and say: “I’ve no idea what we decided as I was driving round the table in a kiddies’ pedal car.”
Ange Angela Merkel will announce that a report on post- Brexit imports was presen presented to the meeting but Boris Johnso Johnson set fire to it as he was bored so they’ve got to start all over again.
And Britain has become worst at almost everything.
We We’ve had the highest rate of fatalitie ties from the virus, the fewest tests, a and the worst recession.
It’s as if this government is determ determined we’re always at the bottom. Maybe they look on the internet and scream: “Oh no, India has more people killed by tigers than us. Let a couple out of London Zoo into Camden Market so we can be the worst at that as well.”
And none of them ever resign. Education Secretary Gavin Williamson ruined the entire system of school exams, but stays in his job.
If any minister was a football manager, their team could lose 43-0, because they’d selected a team of wild flowers. But they would insist: “I see no reason to resign. I have no regrets about putting a bluebell in an attacking midfield role. And I’m sure the forget-me-not will have a better match in goal against Chelsea.”
But somehow they’re still slightly
ahead in the opinion polls. How awful do the Conservatives have to get before they go behind?
Would it make any difference if Priti Patel deported the 100-year-old Captain Tom Moore to Zimbabwe because he couldn’t find his passport?
If Gavin Williamson outsourced school dinners to the Russian government, until all schoolkids turned a luminous green colour, would that damage them slightly in the polls?
Maybe the Conservatives stay in front because Labour leader Keir Starmer may have been sensible and forensic, but most people haven’t noticed him yet.
So he needs to make himself recognisable, by making the same points, but instead of making them in parliament, say them on Flog It!.
Then he can make lots of forensic points about the Government’s failure to introduce a tracing system for Coronavirus, while finding out the value of a 17th century butter knife.
And millions of pensioners will find out who he is. Instead of making clever points about the failures of the furlough system at Prime Minister’s Questions, that no one watches, he could present a similar speech on MTV’s Top 50 Grime Artists, interspersing plans for boosting the economy with his views on Stormzy and Skepta.
That way younger people could become aware of him as well.
He needs to use his lawyer brain on
Match of the
Day to point out a VAR penalty decision is illegal , and present a YouTube channel about deep breathing called Keep
Calmer with Starmer.
Because surely, as soon as people realise there’s anyone else, no one would want to keep this idiot in charge.