Stop wanting tests and there’ll be plenty for all
Matt Hancock and the Government say the reason people can’t get a test is that there’s been an “unprecedented rise in demand”. So it’s YOUR fault, for following this silly fad for getting tested.
It’s the same as when shops run out of cranberries because Nigella Lawson mentions them in a recipe.
Because who could have predicted the demand for tests would go up right now?
When the Government said “it’s vital you all have a test” and “you must have a test, we’re leading the world in tests, everyone must go back to work and school as we have arranged for you all to have a test”, there is no way they could know this might lead to an increased demand for tests.
The reason you greedy pigs all want a test is probably because you enjoy the tickly fun of the cotton thing brushing the back of your throat, you perverts.
You could have come at a more convenient time and asked for one a couple of years ago, before the virus existed, but no, you have to be awkward and all come at once.
Many of you complain that when you try to book a test online, you’re told the nearest testing centre available for London is Aberdeen.
There’s a simple solution to reduce the distance you have to travel. Stop “carping on” – in the words of one Jacob ReesMogg – and just… move to Aberdeen.
The website will then probably say your nearest testing centre is London, but that’s a risk you have to take.
The head of the NHS Test and Trace programme, Baroness Dido Harding,
explained one problem was “we were caught out” by the number of school students asking for tests when the schools reopened.
They know the virus spreads when people are closer together, and they know they were ordering all students back to school, where they would all be closer together.
So if they were “caught out”, the only explanation is they didn’t know how many children are in the country.
They must have thought there are five, and all the others are Boris Johnson’s.
The latest claim, from Business Secretary Nadhim Zahawi, is “we’re doing 240,000 tests a day”.
Some people have disputed this – including his own government, which says the figure is 81,000.
But to be fair to Zahawi, he’s including MOT tests, eye tests at the opticians, driving tests, spelling tests in school and tests to see if your smoke alarm is working properly.
For a while Boris Johnson boasted their testing system would be “worldbeating”. And he’s been proved right, because our testing system has indeed tested more people than a village in Greenland, which is part of the world.
There are countless stories such as the one about the testing centre in Sunderland, in which hundreds of people turned up to find it was closed with no warning. So o that is world-beating, because anyone in the world would uld say: “It beats me how to use this bloody thing.”
But what at we have learned is, s, if Matt Hancock holds olds a party, he’ll put on the invitation: “There re will be enough to feed 500,000 people.” ople.”
But there e will be one spring ring onion between ween everyone, and when the guests ask for a sandwich ich he’ll say: “Is s it any wonder der there’s no food when en you keep ep demanding ng meals you ou don’t need, ed, you gannets. s.
“This, and nd ever ything ng else, is fault.”