Scary times in land of the great pumpkin
This week sees the scariest day of the year. It’s the day of the United States Presidential election. If a vampire rose from the dead on Halloween and became President, we’d think: “Thank the Lord for that, at least it’s not Trump.”
It looks as if Trump will lose, but we can’t be certain, so millions of people are terrified.
You hear them saying: “He’ll win somehow, he’ll build a wall round New York and say it’s part of Egypt so their votes don’t count. He’ll give the vote to fleas and say they all voted for him. He’ll get Putin to hypnotise everyone and tell them they’re Nigel Farage.”
If he does lose, he should be made to live in the tiniest flat in the poorest area of Detroit, and filmed all day without him knowing it.
We’ll hear Ivanka ask why he’s left a wet towel on the floor, and he’ll answer: “The Muslims put it there. Bad Muslims. They control the bathroom now, they’ve turned the toilet into a mosque.”
He could be given a job as a receptionist at the doctor’s. So he can tell the patients: “I know a cure for constipation. It’s fly spray, it gets flies whizzing about so it will do the same for your poo. You eat the whole can, it’s a great cure, a terrific cure.”
Within a few days he’ll cause uproar with the neighbours, when
he pops round and sees a picture of the Virgin Mary on the mantelpiece and calls her a “great piece of ass”.
And he’ll buy a pit bull that kills all the cats in the street, and refuse to condemn it, saying: “The cats caused it, bad cats – I’ve heard they’ve done bad miaowing, very bad.”
Things will come to a head at a local christening, when the baby goes missing and he announces he’s put it in a cage and sent it to somewhere in Mexico.
So he’ll be sent to prison, to be reunited with most of his old team from the White House. But he’ll be put in solitary for insisting he slops out in a golden bucket.
Then he’ll fall out with the other prisoners because they planned a breakout, but the day before the escape he ruined the plan by getting an extra wall built.
When they’re all captured, he’ll tell them: “Who’s going to pay for the wall, YOU’RE going to pay for the wall.” And he’ll be back in solitary for his own safety.
Some people seem so frightened of Trump they think he won’t go if he loses, that he’ll say: “I got 45 per cent so I won, that’s a really big number, I’ve done a terrific deal with 45 per cent, now it’s worth 85 per cent so I’m still President.”
But he’s not as magic as he pretends, and if he loses, he will have to go.
If that happens we should all be dignified, and spend five days drinking cheap cider and dancing naked in fountains, for this will be the day we remembered what it was like for things to get better.