Sunday Mirror

Scary times in land of the great pump­kin

- United States of America · Donald Trump · New York City · Egypt · Nigel Farage · Detroit · Mexico · White House

This week sees the scari­est day of the year. It’s the day of the United States Pres­i­den­tial elec­tion. If a vam­pire rose from the dead on Hal­loween and be­came Pres­i­dent, we’d think: “Thank the Lord for that, at least it’s not Trump.”

It looks as if Trump will lose, but we can’t be cer­tain, so mil­lions of peo­ple are ter­ri­fied.

You hear them say­ing: “He’ll win some­how, he’ll build a wall round New York and say it’s part of Egypt so their votes don’t count. He’ll give the vote to fleas and say they all voted for him. He’ll get Putin to hyp­no­tise ev­ery­one and tell them they’re Nigel Farage.”

If he does lose, he should be made to live in the tini­est flat in the poor­est area of Detroit, and filmed all day with­out him know­ing it.

We’ll hear Ivanka ask why he’s left a wet towel on the floor, and he’ll an­swer: “The Mus­lims put it there. Bad Mus­lims. They con­trol the bath­room now, they’ve turned the toi­let into a mosque.”

He could be given a job as a re­cep­tion­ist at the doc­tor’s. So he can tell the pa­tients: “I know a cure for con­sti­pa­tion. It’s fly spray, it gets flies whizzing about so it will do the same for your poo. You eat the whole can, it’s a great cure, a ter­rific cure.”

Within a few days he’ll cause up­roar with the neigh­bours, when

he pops round and sees a pic­ture of the Vir­gin Mary on the man­tel­piece and calls her a “great piece of ass”.

And he’ll buy a pit bull that kills all the cats in the street, and refuse to con­demn it, say­ing: “The cats caused it, bad cats – I’ve heard they’ve done bad miaow­ing, very bad.”

Things will come to a head at a lo­cal chris­ten­ing, when the baby goes miss­ing and he an­nounces he’s put it in a cage and sent it to some­where in Mex­ico.

So he’ll be sent to prison, to be re­united with most of his old team from the White House. But he’ll be put in soli­tary for in­sist­ing he slops out in a golden bucket.

Then he’ll fall out with the other pris­on­ers be­cause they planned a break­out, but the day be­fore the es­cape he ru­ined the plan by get­ting an ex­tra wall built.

When they’re all cap­tured, he’ll tell them: “Who’s go­ing to pay for the wall, YOU’RE go­ing to pay for the wall.” And he’ll be back in soli­tary for his own safety.

Some peo­ple seem so fright­ened of Trump they think he won’t go if he loses, that he’ll say: “I got 45 per cent so I won, that’s a re­ally big num­ber, I’ve done a ter­rific deal with 45 per cent, now it’s worth 85 per cent so I’m still Pres­i­dent.”

But he’s not as magic as he pre­tends, and if he loses, he will have to go.

If that hap­pens we should all be dig­ni­fied, and spend five days drink­ing cheap cider and danc­ing naked in foun­tains, for this will be the day we re­mem­bered what it was like for things to get bet­ter.

 ??  ?? ALL HAL­LOWS’ LEAVE De­ci­sion time for Don­ald
ALL HAL­LOWS’ LEAVE De­ci­sion time for Don­ald

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