Sunday Mirror

COVID ALERT! COULDN’T MAKE IT APP

- United Kingdom · Bohemian Rhapsody

When this pan­demic is over, how we’ll laugh at our funny at­tempt at track­ing and trac­ing.

Any­one who’s gone into a café or pub knows the rou­tine of point­ing the NHS app at the black squig­gly code on the door so you’re reg­is­tered as hav­ing been there.

We as­sume this sends in­for­ma­tion to a vast of­fice where young ge­niuses in white shirts an­a­lyse the move­ments of ev­ery­one in Bri­tain. But hardly any­one is ever traced, so I ex­pect the black se­ries of dots is made by a man drink­ing Ten­nent’s Ex­tra in the park, with a tin of shoe pol­ish and a potato masher.

Ev­ery­one I know who has the app has re­ceived the mes­sage “Covid Alert”, but then re­ceived an­other telling you not to worry. That’s £ 12bil­lion well spent, on a sys­tem that says you may have Covid, but on the other hand you prob­a­bly haven’t.

It would be cheaper to pay car me­chan­ics to wan­der the streets walk­ing up to peo­ple, and say­ing: “No way of know­ing if you’ve got it or not mate, un­til I take you apart and have a good look in­side.”

And the app should be con­verted into a game where ev­ery­one who gets beeped has to per­form a task, such as sing a verse of Bo­hemian Rhap­sody, and if you fail you have to stay at home for 14 days and cough.

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 ??  ?? QUEEN GAME Mama, I’ve coughed again
QUEEN GAME Mama, I’ve coughed again

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