COVID ALERT! COULDN’T MAKE IT APP
When this pandemic is over, how we’ll laugh at our funny attempt at tracking and tracing.
Anyone who’s gone into a café or pub knows the routine of pointing the NHS app at the black squiggly code on the door so you’re registered as having been there.
We assume this sends information to a vast office where young geniuses in white shirts analyse the movements of everyone in Britain. But hardly anyone is ever traced, so I expect the black series of dots is made by a man drinking Tennent’s Extra in the park, with a tin of shoe polish and a potato masher.
Everyone I know who has the app has received the message “Covid Alert”, but then received another telling you not to worry. That’s £ 12billion well spent, on a system that says you may have Covid, but on the other hand you probably haven’t.
It would be cheaper to pay car mechanics to wander the streets walking up to people, and saying: “No way of knowing if you’ve got it or not mate, until I take you apart and have a good look inside.”
And the app should be converted into a game where everyone who gets beeped has to perform a task, such as sing a verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, and if you fail you have to stay at home for 14 days and cough.