Ho-ho-no! Bozo BoJo gives Santa heave-ho
To be fair to Boris Johnson, he couldn’t possibly have predicted the thing that every scientist, and Keir Starmer, and everyone who looked at the figures and everyone in the medical profession predicted.
The trouble was, all the scientific advice was so vague. They were all saying things such as “Tighten the restrictions and keep them in place for Christmas, DO IT, or the bloody virus will SOAR you STEAMING IDIOT, so DO IT, just DO IT”.
How was he to interpret that sort of unclear message?
So he ignored them and accused Keir Starmer of “wanting to cancel Christmas”, for agreeing with the scientists.
Now he’s had to do exactly what he said he wouldn’t do, but more severe, more disruptive and with less notice.
Boris would have a firework display in a petrol depot.
Fireworks experts and fire prevention officers would tell him he really shouldn’t do this, but he’d go ahead anyway and when a Catherine Wheel set off a blaze that burned down Hampshire, he’d say, “It’s all very well Keir Starmer saying in hindsight this was a bad idea, but I was following the science.”
He’s been like this all year. His advice with masks was to wear one if we fancy, it didn’t make much
HEAD SCRATCHER Both Boris and Santa should get the sack
difference. He might as well have said, “If you go to Nando’s, you can wear a set of nipple clamps if you fancy”.
Then he had to accept the advice from virus experts was probably right and we should wear them. When it came to Christmas, he ignored the science and asked us to have a “little Christmas”.
What did that mean? Was he suggesting instead of a turkey we should make do with a hedgehog?
He might as well have said we should all have a diagonal
Christmas.
Minister Steve
Barclay was more precise, explaining we should “do the minimum”.
What is “the minimum”? Perhaps it meant we could have Christmas dinner with our family, but all sit outside, 20 yards from each other, and train a series of kestrels to fly to the table and pick up a potato to bring it back.
Then he said there wouldn’t be rules for us to follow for Christmas, we should just be “personally responsible”.
That would be ideal, if we were all experts on viruses and spent our lives studying R numbers. It’s like taking someone on their first parachute jump and telling them: “You can pull one of the cords if you like, you decide which one, just try to be personally responsible.”
Maybe this is how they’ll address everything from now on. They’ll announce: “We don’t want a law saying you can’t murder anyone. But please think hard before you chop someone up and put them in a fridge.”
Many people say this is a clever virus. True. It was smart enough to wait until this idiot was in charge, so it could do maximum damage to all of us.
Noddy Holder has complained he is often mistaken for Roy Wood at Christmas. Presumably this is because they both have Christmas songs still played at Christmas.
This is tragic, that some people mix up everyone with a connection to Christmas. I bet if Jesus came back, half the country would go: “Hey look, it’s Shakin’ Stevens. Sing us a verse of Merry Christmas Everyone please mate.”
As he’s a comic, I would vote for Bill Bailey on Strictly Come Dancing, whatever he did last night.
But last week, performing a tango to heavy metal band Metallica, he was classier than ever. So I suggest every year there’s a heavy metal/ grunge week.
Next year maybe we’ll see Mary Berry dancing a waltz to Unchallenged Hate by Napalm Death. Or Nick Faldo can entertain us with a jive to a Swedish thrash metal band called Ultimate Evil Viking Pillage.
But Craig will spoil everything when he says: “During the bit that went ‘Grrrrrr yeuughh grr Satan’ I wanted you to hold your waist higher, darling.”