You could didgeridoo better than this, Boris
The Prime Minister said he’s sorry for everything that’s happened in the pandemic, adding: “We’ve done all we could.” At this point many people had a question along the lines of: “Mr Prime Minister, with respect, WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT? ALL YOU SODDING COULD?! That’s like ISIS announcing, ‘We’re sorry if our Caliphate is a bit untidy but we’ve done all we could’.”
They’ve only just managed to ask travellers arriving in the country to quarantine. Because the virus spreads when people travel, which is why it’s important to check anyone who’s travelling.
But no one could have guessed that airports were being used for travel.
It turns out people were coming from all over the place to visit an airport, even abroad, but luckily the Government’s done all it could and finally sorted it out only nine months after it was done everywhere else.
Another thing you might make sure of in a pandemic is that medical staff have protective gowns and masks.
But they ran out in the first week and had to improvise with bin liners.
If this government ran a restaurant, on the opening day they’d welcome the customers and announce: “The only problem is, we don’t have any chairs, or tables, or food, or a kitchen. Never mind, we did all we could.” Despite the pres
sure, they still made the effort to send billions of pounds worth of contracts to their friends, including the test and trace system that hardly worked.
The gang convicted of robbing Hatton Garden a few years ago should have tried this tactic.
RUBBLE
They could have stated in court: “Look at the trouble we went to. We bought dynamite and hired a truck and bought bin liners to put the jewels in (we ran out, so borrowed a few extra off some nurses). We even sent a million-pound contract for sweeping up all the rubble to Crazy Harry from Bethnal Green, who never got round to doing it but we paid him anyway. We’ve done ALL WE COULD.”
In Australia, the total number of deaths from Covid throughout all of the pandemic is less than we’re having each day in Britain.
But the Prime Minister will explain this by saying: “I have it on good authority this is nothing to do with them doing things better than us. It’s because the virus is scared of sharks, and indeed of, as it were, didgeridoos.”
So this should be the correct etiquette from now on. If you keep the neighbours up all night by playing Green Day at top volume through 8ft speakers, then spoil their barbecue by inviting Lewis Hamilton to do 20 laps of your road in a Formula 1 Mercedes, and buy a rhino, ignoring scientists who advise you to keep it on a lead, so it charges at Mrs Nutley as she’s coming back from the Book
Club, say: “I’m really sorry and all that, but it’s not my fault.
I did all I possibly could to make everything nice and quiet.”