BoJo’s timetable is all Latin to us...
Star puts fame down to ‘not trying hard’ Harry Styles has made the seamless transition from One Direction superstar to Hollywood heartthrob.
Tomorrow Boris Johnson is due to reveal his timetable for coming out of lockdown. This should be fascinating because all his predictions so far have turned out to be so accurate.
He should publish the timetable he made this time last year, to remind us.
For example, he didn’t attend any of the COBRA meetings about the virus, so it must have gone: “February: Five meetings have been scheduled, I aim to go beyond the call of duty, and ignore all of them.
“Some people suggest I could pop along to the last one, but I’ll be exhausted from ignoring the first four, and I don’t want to wear myself out.
“Anyway, I’ve heard this thing will disappear in April because the virus is scared of Easter eggs.”
While other countries worried about coronavirus, he’d started the month with a speech about Brexit and free trade that would make us “supercharged champions”.
So his timetable for that day probably says: “The rest of the world is shutting down, I expect it’s because most of them are Spanish and they use any excuse for a day off.
“Whereas we’re British so we can’t catch a virus because we won two world wars and one world cup.”
Also on his timetable was to go to a hospital in which there were coronavirus patients, ignore the scientists, and say: “I shook hands with everyone,
and will continue to shake hands.”
Maybe his entry for that day was: “I’m sure viruses can’t possibly be caught off other people who have the virus. So I’m planning a massive programme to defeat this disease, in which we get the whole population to spend a day naked mudwrestling with people who are infected. That should sort it.”
Then came his prediction of a worldbeating test-and-trace app by the start of May, and how it would be safe for everyone to go to pubs, and how he was saving Christmas.
So maybe we can’t rely on his next timetable either, in the same way you might not accept a horse-racing tip from a man who lived in a puddle of his own wee behind a recycling bin outside Sainsbury’s.
He should use this opportunity to cheer up the nation with his imagination.
He could announce the timetable as: “March 5: Scare all viruses away by asking Jacob Rees-Mogg to teach everyone the Latin names for them. If anyone gets one wrong, he beats you on the buttocks with a cactus.
“March 11: Register every child as 70 years old, so the schools can open safely as there will be no children in them.
“Also, as everyone over 70 has now been vaccinated, they will all be immune.
“March 18: Promote a new scheme, called Eton Out to Help Out, in which all my pals from school are given billion-pound contracts to provide equipment they lack any ability to provide, to get Britain back on its feet.
“March 29: Leave the Virus, with an ovenready deal.”
But the 27-year-old reckons his phenomenal success comes down to “not trying his hardest”.
Harry says: “I have always made my worst music when I’m trying the hardest. And when it feels a little bit too easy and feels a bit safe and it’s just like, ‘Oh yeah, this is what people want…’ I write it.
“I try to write music as a fan of music. I just don’t really know how else to do it, I guess. Ultimately, everyone who works in music are just fans.
“Like I’m just a fan of music and get to make some, so I try to make it from that perspective.”
Harry, who is currently dating A-lister
Olivia Wilde, 36, is celebrating after his second solo album Fine Line spent its 60th week in the charts.
Speaking to America’s SiriusXM radio, Harry says: “The process of making that album was feeling free.”
He also reveals that the confidence came “after feeling accepted by the crowds. When I went out to do shows on my own, I was amazed people were coming to see me”.
If Harry’s best tunes come from a positive space, we can expect another great album now he has found love with US actress Olivia, who is directing him in new film, Don’t Worry Darling.
Last week she praised his “humility and grace” for playing a supporting role in her female-led flick.
Olivia said: “He jumped on board and blew us away every day with his talent, warmth and ability to drive backwards.”
Sounds like he didn’t have to try too hard with that, either. Expect it to be a blockbuster hit!
A PARAMEDIC who helped to save earthquake victims has been struck off after being unmasked as a sex pest.
Steven Watkins, 42, groped students and sent them creepy messages while they were training with his ambulance service in 2018, a misconduct hearing was told.
Now his work abroad for elite foreign disaster charity Search and Rescue Assistance in Disasters (SARAID) following the Nepal earthquake in 2015 is being investigated.
He was also among responders who flew to Lebanon last year after the horrific Beirut port explosion.
A Health and Care Professions Council tribunal heard how Watkins pawed one student’s breast while on duty with the West Midlands
Ambulance Service. He also squeezed her bottom and told her: “I like your a***”. He messaged her to “bend over” as she was working with a patient. She was so traumatised by his behaviour she quit.
Watkins touched another student’s breast and put his hand on her hip. He asked her to send him pictures of herself getting changed.
He threatened to spank a third, calling her a “tease”, and sent her a topless photo of himself on a bed with a message reading “sometimes getting sweaty is fun”.
Described as having “supervisory responsibilities” towards the students, he was found guilty of sexually-motivated misconduct at the
STRUCK OFF Watkins
London hearing. The panel said he had “engaged in sexually motivated behaviour” and “abused his position of trust as a senior paramedic”.
Watkins, who was based in Stoke, had received plaudits for his volunteer work with SARAID.
Its trustees chairman Gary Francis said: “Mr Watkins is no longer a SARAID member but in light of the findings we will undertake a thorough review including past deployments.”
Watkins was not at the hearing. West Midlands Ambulance Service said he was suspended in 2018 before being “summarily dismissed”.
Watkins, of Rhyl, North Wales, made no comment.
A TROPHY hunter poses with her “perfect” Valentine’s gift – the heart of a giraffe she’s just shot.
Merelize Van Der Merwe, 32, boasts of how her “wonderful” husband spent £1,500 to make her five-year dream come true at a game park last Sunday.
The sick photo she proudly posted on her Facebook page has caused outrage among animal rights campaigners.
But the defiant mum astonishingly insists killing the ageing bull giraffe helps SAVE threatened species in South Africa – a claim dismissed by conservationists.
Van Der Merwe, who started hunting at five and has killed up to 500 animals including lions, leopards and elephants, says she posted the snap to taunt the animal rights lobby.
“I have no respect for them – I call them the mafia,” she said before excitedly telling all about her dream day.
The couple had been planning a Valentine’s trip to the resort of Sun City when a pal called her to say a kill she coveted had been spotted in a game park.
“I’d waited years for my own perfect bull – the older a bull gets the darker he gets,” she said. “I love the skin and the fact it’s such an iconic animal for Africa.
“Our plans changed quickly. My wonderful husband Gerhardt knew this was my dream. I was like a child for two weeks, counting the days. Afterwards I was flooded with emotions.”
She plans to use her 17-yearold victim’s skin as a rug – and posted her pic with the comment: “Ever wondered how big a giraffe’s heart is? I’m over the moon with my Valentines present!!!”
Van Der Merwe – who runs a citrus farm in South Africa’s northern Limpopo province– claimed her kill “created work for 11 people that day” and “a lot of meat for the locals”.
She claimed the death of the old bull would mean “a new bull can take over and provide new strong genetics for the herd”.
She added: “If hunting is banned, animals will become worthless and will disappear. Hunting has helped bring back a lot of species from the brink of extinction. The only people protecting these animals are trophy hunters.”
She also believes hunting protects thousands of jobs in tourism.
But Dr Mark Jones of the Born Free Foundation told us: “Trophy hunters’ claims they are concerned about wildlife conservation are highly misleading. Trophy hunting is not a conservation tool, nor does it contribute significant funds to local communities.”
Elisa Allen, of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said: “Someone who kills another sentient being, cuts out their heart, and boasts about it fits the definition of a sociopath.
“One day, trophy hunting will be listed as a sign of a psychiatric disorder, as it should be today. It is grandiosity, serial killing, and bloodlust paired with a burning desire to show off.”
I was like a child for two weeks, counting down days VAN DER MERWE ON EXCITEMENT BEFORE KILL
Cat owners can now create CVs for their pets in a bid to win over reluctant landlords. Changes to the Government’s Model Tenancy Agreement mean pets will now be allowed in rental properties – unless landlords object to a written request from a tenant and provide a good reason.
Around one million UK households would like to have a cat but can’t because they rent their home, Cats Protection research reveals.
To help, the charity has come up with an online tool for tenants to create a Cat CV that will show landlords their pet is responsibly owned and well cared for with references from previous landlords.
Jacqui Cuff, Cats Protection’s head of advocacy, said: “Many people have been denied the pleasure of owning a cat simply because they rent.
“Cats rarely cause problems in rented homes, but our Cat CV can help reassure landlords who may be nervous about allowing them.”
To download the Cat CV tool, visit cats.org.uk/ what-we-do/campaigning/purrfectlandlords