A TRIM PLEASE, BARMAN

The slight relaxation of rules this week, that no one understands, made almost everyone feel wonderful.

On Monday you could hear people everywhere saying: “It’s marvellous now we’re allowed to do something again. I’ve no idea what it is but it’s brightened everyone up.”

Some people tried to explain it, saying: “Now we’re allowed to sit outside in a bubble as long as no one’s in the bubble and twothirds of the bubble is facing North. It’s certainly made a difference to the kids.” I don’t know a single person who understands the rules. On April 12 pubs are allowed to open but I’m not sure if they can serve beer, and hairdressers can open but they probably aren’t allowed to cut hair. So you’ll have to go to the barbers for a pint and get Terry the barman to cut your hair.

But the little bit of easing of lockdown made us cheery, so we should do this every week, removing one extra restriction until, in 50 years’ time, people say: “From next Monday, we are allowed to carry out a gangland heist on a jewellers, but only if there’s no more than six in our robbery bubble, and two stay outside at all times.”