Sunday Mirror

I’m a jab-bering idiot but with good cause


Maybe the AstraZenec­a vaccine should be cancelled because on the way to the vaccinatio­n centre, some people might be attacked by an escaped panther and you can’t be too careful.

So far, the number of fatalities from a blood clot among people who have had the AstraZenec­a vaccine is around 10 in 10 million. This must be similar to the risk of having a fatal accident in a gondola or being attacked by a Japanese warrior who’s been living in your hydrangeas since 1943 unaware that the Second World War has finished.

There’s no certainty that the blood clots are linked to the vaccine, so you might as well say: “I heard President Kennedy had a Crunchie bar on the morning he was assassinat­ed. So I’m never eating one of those things – they’re LETHAL.”

Most of the time we take things without even looking at the possible side effects.

In every packet of Nurofen, there’s a little sheet with tiny writing saying “WARNING” that no one reads.

It could say, “May cause drowsiness, eyebrows to catch fire, farts that make honking noises like a goose (often attracting flocks of local randy male geese who come into the living room), a compulsion to pretend to be Mexican and to fall in love with Nigel Farage” –

and we wouldn’t know. Many women have commented that the number who developed blood clots after taking the contracept­ive pill is far higher.

It’s as if the drug companies think: “The ladies are used to this sort of thing so I don’t suppose it bothers them. They’re always having a hot flush for some reason, or fainting because they’ve seen a kitten. But if a vaccine affects 10 in 10 million of the sturdy male, we must warn them immediatel­y or we risk their natural warrior fluids”.

The main problem now for AstraZenec­a is that it’s been commended by Boris Johnson, who tells the truth roughly once every 10 million times he speaks. So when he says: “I absolutely guarantee the safety of the vaccine”, even the people who invented it must think: “Quick, flush it down the toilet.”

The worrying part is there’s a huge risk in NOT having the vaccine as it’s the one thing giving us a chance of getting out of all this madness.

It’s like leaning out of the fifth-floor window of an office that’s on fire and shouting to the firefighte­rs: “Don’t spray any water, I’m not sure I trust all the chemicals that come out of the tap.”

Personally, my trip to be vaccinated was my happiest moment for a year – a wonderful social occasion in which I could speak to strangers such as a nurse and a jolly volunteer with a clipboard.

I stayed for 20 minutes just to enjoy some company, and when I have to go back for the second jab, I’m going to take a crate of beer, some streamers and an enormous pack of


 ??  ??
 ??  ?? PRICK OF CONSCIENCE Getting Covid vaccine. Inset, Twiglets
PRICK OF CONSCIENCE Getting Covid vaccine. Inset, Twiglets

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United Kingdom