TAKEN IN BY DEMOCRATIC OAF

Thank the Lord the government is making everyone have photo ID before they’re allowed to vote. There’s no record of fraudulent voting in this country, so it’s such a relief we’re making sure no one can do the thing that no one does anyway.

Next we should erect scaffolding around giraffes in zoos, so no one can use them as platforms for bungee-jumpers.

Then we can place snipers on the roofs of sheds in allotments, ensuring no one steals their neighbour’s mud.

The Government says the new rules will protect our democracy. There are an estimated two million people in Britain without photo ID, who won’t be able to vote under these rules. So to protect our democracy, it’s important to make sure fewer people can vote.

Our model should be countries such as Saudi Arabia and North Korea, where there are no fraudulent voters at all, so hopefully we can do as well as them one day.

Some people suggest one reason for the change is people most likely to have no passport or driving licence are the poor, who are less likely to vote Conservative.

What nonsense. But hopefully next year there’ll be a rule that before you can vote, you have to sing a collection of hymns from the Eton choirbook, in Latin, because it’s important to safeguard democracy.