Useless laptop load of trouble

Six months ago I bought a laptop and it is the most useless object ever created.

It takes a good 20 minutes to warm up, slower than a television in 1950.

Then it makes a clunky whirring sound as if it’s saying: “Blimey, it’s a bit early. Hang on, let me have a fag. Oh gawd me back’s gone, I’d better lay down a while.” When it finally comes on, it tells me Microsoft has to perform an essential

update. After an hour it tells me the update is “100% complete”. Then the update lasts another three hours.

I’d throw it into a landfill site but the landfill site would reject

it.