Do all the royals share the same Prince-iples?
Are ALL the royals connected to something illegal? The moment Andrew settled his case we found out Charles’ charity is being investigated by the police for allegedly selling honours.
When that’s settled, we’ll learn that Princess Anne has been identified as a safe-breaker in a gang that carried out a series of diamond heists in the East End of London. At first she was the getaway driver, but she arrived with a horse so all the others got caught.
Documents will be found proving the Queen Mother spent the 1980s breeding vicious corgis for dog fighting in the grounds of Balmoral.
Then we’ll discover the reason we never see Prince Edward is because he spends all year dismantling the cannons that fire the 21-gun salutes and sells them to North Korea.
And Camilla runs an operation from Windsor Castle selling knocked-off transit vans, where she’s known as Cam the Slam for her habit of slamming anyone against the drawbridge if they’re late with their payments.
Prince Andrew’s next move will probably be to send out thousands of emails, saying: “Hello. I am British Prince with castle and a lot of MILLIONS of pounds!! Before I just Need £12 million to pay someone then I can GET crown jewels if you help ME I wil Make You RICH!!!”
The Prince was desperate to prove his innocence, so it’s hard to understand why he’s settled out of court when his case was so solid.
His alibi was that he was in a Pizza Express in Woking, and the woman said he was sweaty when he has a condition that means he can’t sweat.
Some people have asked how he could have been in a Pizza Express without anyone seeing him there.
So in court he’d have had the opportunity to explain that he also has a condition that makes him invisible.
Or maybe he has a little torch that makes everybody forget what they’ve seen, like the agents in Men in Black. Whatever the reason, it’s a sign of his generosity that he would rather give away £12m than have the chance to explain himself, which is what he wanted.
He was adamant he’d never met the woman who accused him.
So we should all follow Andrew’s example and pay £12m to people who we’ve never met as this would provide an instant boost to the economy.
It all proves what good value for money our royals are.
People often defend the monarchy by saying “they bring in a lot of tourists”.
And that’s true because people from around the world come here, saying: “We’ll be happy wandering round Barnsley shopping centre as long as we’re in the same country as the family of a prince who paid £12m to a woman he can prove he never had sex with because he doesn’t sweat.”
They’re worth every penny.
But if Andrew was really smart he would have handed the investigation to Sue
Gray and insisted the parties he went to at Epstein’s house were workplace meetings.