When my twin David killed himself a part of me died too .. I can’t even bear to look at myself because I see his face
AS kids they were inseparable, playing football until the street lights came on – and they were so alike girlfriends could not tell them apart.
Darren Rathband proudly called identical twin brother David “my shadow”.
And every time he looks in the mirror he still sees him.
Yet for 10 years they have been apart after police officer David, maimed when a madman blasted him with a shotgun at point blank range, took his own life.
Dad-of-two David never came to terms with being blinded during Raoul Moat’s murderous spree in July 2010.
Today, to mark a decade since David died, fellow cop Darren pays a heartbreaking tribute to his twin. He recalls the last, final embrace they shared – Darren knowing then that he would never see his brother again.
IDENTITY
And he reveals he still says goodnight to David, just like they did when they were growing up in the Midlands town of Stafford.
In an exclusive interview with the Sunday Mirror, Darren, 54, says: “The feeling is one of having lost part of you. I was not only left broken-hearted and griefstricken, but I lost my identity. I knew, from that moment, that part of me had died.
“I actually feel like I have no shadow and I did struggle with my own mortality afterwards.
“I had to seek help from a therapist and without their support, and the love of my partner Angie, I do feel the loss would have been too much to bear.
“I live with the grief every day, which thankfully is now broken up with happy memories and the thought that, with every day that I get through, it’s one day closer to us being together again.
“Yet there isn’t a day that David is not in my life.
“From thinking about him and the dreams when David joins me, to feeling lost when I look in the mirror and see him looking at me. I grew a beard as I couldn’t cope with looking at myself – or him – in the mirror.
“However, I am now able, on rare occasions, to catch a glimpse of him in the same mirror and find comfort.
“Being a twin gives grief a different depth. We don’t only lose a brother or sister, we lose our identity, along with our shadow. Life is, will never be, the same again.”
David was 44 when he took his own life at home in Blyth, Northumberland, on February 29, 2012. He separated from his wife Kath the previous August
when his affair with London bombing survivor Lisa French, who he met on Twitter, emerged.
David, who left son Ashley, then 19, and daughter Mia, then 13, was also struggling with the stress of having to quit his police job.
He made one final visit to see Darren at his home in Australia.
But David was struggling mentally and posted a series of worrying Tweets before returning to the UK. He wrote: “Lost my sight, my job, my wife and my marriage... flying back on Monday and will say goodbye to my children.”
The previously happy family man was never the same after being shot by Moat at 12.45am.
He was in his patrol car above the A1 roundabout in Newcastle when Moat snuck up on him and opened fire.
David only survived by playing dead. He spent 17 days in Newcastle General Hospital but lost the sight in both eyes and was left with more than 200 shotgun pellets lodged in his skull.
Moat also shot dead his former girlfriend Samantha Stobbart and her new boyfriend Chris Brown.
The killer, 37, shot himself dead on July 10, 2010, after a six-hour armed stand-off on a riverbank in Rothbury, Northumberland.
REVENGE
He previously warned he would kill a PC in revenge for his girlfriend’s false claim that she had cheated on him with an officer.
David’s relatives, including his sister Debbie Essery, launched an unsuccessful legal action against Northumbria Police seeking damages for his children. They slammed the force for not sending out a warning that could have alerted David to the danger. Darren, now a police officer in
I live with grief daily... thankfully there are also happy memories DARREN RATHBAND ON COPING WITH LOSING TWIN
We shared the longest and saddest embrace... I knew it was our last one TWIN DARREN ON FINAL FAREWELL TO HIS BROTHER
Adelaide, says of the shooting: “I woke around the time it happened, I had an awful restless sleep that night. I think that was me finding out he had been hurt via that twin connection. As kids we had a couple of occasions where we did have that feeling.
“After David was shot, he often told me that the service was making him jump through hoops.
“They fought him over every penny. He needed a special cane to walk, but they didn’t want to pay for it.
“He needed dental treatment after being shot, they didn’t want to pay for that either. He waited over 12 months to receive any special counselling, which I believe contributed to his eventual breakdown and suicide.
“His chief constable refused to help with the cost of his funeral. I asked her for £500 and she declined. They assigned a welfare officer to David who had no training in mental health and missed the obvious signs of posttraumatic stress disorder.
“The litigation against Northumbria Police has clearly shown that police officers are dispensable.”
But amid the painful memories, there are happy ones too.
Dad-of-one Darren says: “We grew up when kids could be kids. David and I were always playing football, cricket or a game called ‘40 40’ until the street lights came on. We’d get into mischief and try to blame the other one.
“We were so identical we even fooled an old girlfriend into thinking it was the other one. When we were really young, our parents and older sisters would enjoy dressing us. I think they got more pleasure than we did making sure we had the same clothes on. We hated it. At junior school they made a decision to separate us. I can clearly remember the feeling of loneliness and anxiety when that happened.
“I’ve never forgotten those feelings and how that made me feel. Being twins we always thought we were different from other kids and I think that could make others a little envious.
DAMAGED
“David would always stand up for me when I was picked on in school. He made sure it stopped and I saw him as a big brother always there for me.”
David took a job with Northumbria Police in 2001 while his brother served with Staffordshire Police until 2008, when he moved to Australia.
Darren says: “Leaving loved ones is always difficult and I was in two minds about starting a new life, but David told me to go for it. It wasn’t easy being so far away. We had several conversations about coming home.
“He always told me to stick it out, as the life here would work out better. I’m fortunate he came here to stay with me before he decided to take his life. I was always worried that he would, knowing how damaged he was by the loss of his sight.
“He made two trips to visit me in between trying to save his relationship with Kath. I knew when he flew home the second time that would be the last time I saw him.
“That embrace was the longest and saddest goodbye that I ever had with my twin, but I’m so happy he chose to take that time for us.”
Darren speaks warmly about the counselling he received from the Lone Twin Network. He is also proud that he and David set up the Blue Lamp
Foundation. It gives emotional and financial support to members of the emergency services injured on duty – or suffering mentally – and pays for rehab at The Police Treatment Centres. On how he will mark a decade since David died, Darren says: “Anniversaries are dates that those who grieve really don’t plan for. I am sure I will struggle a little more on the day. I always say goodnight to David, so that day will be like all the other ones since he died.”
Northumbria Police said: “Our thoughts continue to be with the family and friends of our former colleague David. “Whenever an officer is injured in the line of duty we are committed to providing them with support.”