KEEP PUTIN CASH IN BANK

In the years after Putin’s agents poisoned opposition activist Alexander Litvinenko, the Conservative party received millions in donations from wealthy Russians.

I suppose their strategy was to keep taking their money until the Russians had none left to spend on poison.

The Government rejected setting up an inquiry to find out who did it.

Later they explained this was because they didn’t want to upset “international relations” with Russia.

But maybe that was different from now, because back then the Russian government were kind and thoughtful murderers. When they were poisoning, they used one of Nigella’s recipes, saying “Hmmmm, today we’re going to make my favourite – Novichok Delight, oooooohh, we’ll need grapefruit , a hint of fennel, and just a spoonful of deadly Novichok nerve agent – mmmmmmmm”.

It probably went wrong when Russian TV started a programme called The Great Russian Poison-Off.

Six eager contestants were given 30 minutes to impress the judges, watched by a couple of experts who used to work for the KGB.

The presenter would gasp “Oh no, Dmitri hasn’t added enough chemicals, and he’s running out of time,” as the poor man frantically arranged his poison on a plate. And it was only then that Russia started to get nasty.