FANKS FOR NUFFINK,RISHI…

In the Chancellor’s speech, he said, “I was going to raise the National Insurance threshold by three hundred pounds. Well, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to raise it by three THOUSAND pounds”.

This proves he’s down-toearth, as he’s started to talk like a market trader.

I expect the full speech went: “Here you go, ladies, I won’t give yer three ’undred, not four ’undred, not five ’undred. Tell yer what, you can take this ’ome for the loved ones – and give yer ’usband summink an’ all, haa haaa. You won’t get cheaper contributions nowhere me darlings, whether it’s for yer National Insurance, general reassurance or whoops there’s the coppers, quick disappearance, here yer go, bish bash wallop. I’m raising yer threshold three THARSAND pounds, stick yer hands up, I must be ker-azy.”

Then he was photographed putting petrol into a humble hatchback, to seem ordinary.

But it turned out he had to borrow the car from a Sainsbury’s employee for the picture.

He’ll blow his cover soon. He’ll pop into a greasy spoon café for a photo, and say, “Bacon, egg, sausage and beans, please. And do you have any braised osprey with a drizzle of gluten-free asparagus essence, my good fellow?”