FANCY A HOL IN RWANDA?

There’s a new scheme for dealing with refugees, which is to send them to Rwanda.

It’s an act of great compassion to greet people who have fled a terrible regime, by telling them: “Congratulations for escaping! As a reward we’re sending you to a far-flung place you’ve never heard of.” It’s a touching way of making them feel at home.

The trouble is that asylum-seekers come here illegally because they don’t have the proper documents. When you’re fleeing Isis, you should ask them to give you five minutes to find a bank statement and some photo

ID, such as your membership card for Energie Fitness gym, before they burn your village down.

If you can’t be bothered to do things properly, you can’t expect us to pamper you by not sending you to Rwanda.

Because we have to stop these people taking the lazy way out, by travelling across Europe under a crate of piglets and crossing the channel in a wheelie bin.

The other marvellous part of this plan is if you fancy a trip to Rwanda, pop down to Dover, splash about in the sea in a rubber dingy, and you’ll be sent there for free next morning.