Tories enough grope to hang themselves
This Government is going for it now. Every day there’s a new story so, on Thursday, deputy chief whip Chris Pincher had to resign because “I embarrassed myself by getting drunk.” Oh, and allegedly groping two men.
This week we’ll be told: “An unnamed minister has apologised for his behaviour on a trip to Rome in 2016. The cabinet member drank three bottles of communion wine and put his hand up the Pope’s cassock, shouting, ‘You can take my confession any time you like your holiness’ in the Vatican”.
Then we’ll hear that “at a lunch for the World Wildlife Preservation, a senior figure in the party drank too much tequila and molested a panda. ‘You won’t have any trouble breeding with me’, he whispered to the shocked rare species”.
By next weekend a close ally of the Prime Minister will say: “I am deeply sorry that at a local charity event for the blind, I stole a guide dog. Furthermore I then took it to the dog track at Hove and raced it in the 7.53. I have apologised for my actions, though I’m glad to say it came a respectable second, winning me £28.50 on a forecast with the No 4 dog.”
Then one of his advisers will issue a statement: “I sincerely regret that at a Pride of Britain Awards ceremony, after consuming a little too much MDMA, I ordered a senior civil servant to borrow Tanni Grey-Thompson’s wheelchair and push me the wrong way up the M1 as far as Luton.”
But at least the deputy chief whip has resigned. He could have said it was a workplace grope, and the grope only
lasted 15 minutes, and he doesn’t know if it was a grope until there’s been an investigation and it’s time to draw a line under the grope and move on.
So, the most awkward part of this process must be when a politician has to tell the Prime Minister they’ve done something embarrassing.
Johnson must reply: “You call THAT embarrassing. I was caught in my office having relations with my mistress while my wife was seriously ill, then offered the mistress a job for £100,000 a year after giving the previous one public money while I was mayor. You’re not even trying.” The head of the cabinet office, Simon Case, said he spends 30% of his time making sure everyone at No10 obeys the law.
That shows our Prime Minister’s dedication to his craft. He has a professional to stop him breaking laws and he STILL manages to do it. He’s an expert. He can’t open a jar of marmalade without breaking five separate laws, the
Highway Code and the
Geneva convention.
We can only guess what will be revealed after he’s gone. My guess is it will be that during Prince Philip’s funeral, he sidled up to the
Queen and said: “Sorry for your loss, your Majesty. Still, there’s no point in being miserable. If you fancy some hanky-panky , there’s plenty of lead left in this pencil.”