Boris is a cesspit but he stuck to his guns
Boris Johnson should be praised with great affection, for he is one of very few politicians who stuck to his principles right to the end. He came into politics as a lying powermad incompetent cesspit of narcissism, and he stayed true to his beliefs all the way through.
The final story that did for him was perfect, involving lies and a sex pest, two of his favourites.
He insisted he didn’t know Chris Pincher had a record of drunken groping, then it turned out he did know. So he lied some more, and if he hadn’t been forced to resign he’d now be saying, ‘I couldn’t have known he had a history of being a sex pest, because at the time I was a pelican. And I was catching fish on a pond in New Zealand’.
Eventually Johnson was such an embarrassment, that many of his colleagues wrote those principled letters that went, ‘It has been an honour and a privilege to work alongside someone I now say must resign because they’re a raging compulsive lying sociopath, and I am extremely sad to no longer be able to support someone I now insist is a deranged fruit bat’.
But he wouldn’t go. When only a few in his government hadn’t resigned, he started sacking the ones left, like Michael Gove. After that, he was probably planning to sack random people like Maureen at the dry cleaners.
One day the truth will be revealed, and we’ll learn he was planning to climb through a secret passage to come onto the roof of Downing Street with a machine gun, while Jacob Rees-Mogg stood by him naked, chanting in Latin to summons the spirits that would destroy his enemies. Eventually almost everyone in the world was telling him to resign. There were probably peasants in Vietnam who have never been outside their village, who sent him a letter saying, ‘For God’s sake, give up you lying dingbat’.
Even when it seemed likely he would begin his resignation speech, it’s a surprise Nadine Dorries didn’t run across the road and dive at his ankles, howling, ‘Don’t go, Boris, don’t listen to the traitors’, then scream at the Tory MPs, ‘You lot can f*** off, you backstabbing b ****** s’ until someone was summoned from London Zoo to calm her down with a tranquilliser dart.
But Johnson has been unfairly treated. Because Conservative MPs knew what he was like when they chose him to be their leader.
Everyone who’d ever worked with him, been seduced by him, or watched him for any length of time knew what he was like. Now the Conservatives say, ‘How could we possibly have known that the man who boasted he never abided by any rules would not abide by the rules?’
So it’s not his fault. The Tories are like someone who lets a rabid dog loose in a school, and then says, “It is with great sadness I can no longer support the rabid dog, as the rabid dog has turned out to be rabid, and a dog.”