Would-be PM who is ad-mired in the past
At last we’re going to have a proper leader who makes proper leader’s speeches. Liz Truss said: “There are too many people who are ashamed of our past”, and went on, “These people say our best days are behind us. THEY ARE COMPLETELY WRONG”.
The people she’s talking about do seem confused. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I hate our past, which is why the past was our best days. I loved those days that I’m ashamed of ”. But we should be thankful that Truss is here to tell them they’re completely wrong.
A lot of her speeches start like this. She might begin: “Some people say we should abandon this great nation and live in the sea. To them I say: YOU become an octopus if you want. But while you’re shuffling around getting wet and dodging plastic straws, I prefer to unleash the greatness of our great people that will make our future dry and covered in soup.”
So maybe they’re some sort of puzzle, and soon we’ll get one every day to replace Wordle. She’s also extremely nimble for a politician. She’ll announce a policy, then two hours later she’ll deny she ever said it because everyone has told her it’s bonkers.
So she’ll hold a press conference and say: “Unlike the politically correct brigade, I am willing to return to Britain’s grand days of the ninth century. I shall introduce a law making it legal to rampage through a village with an axe and steal all the pigs.” But that evening
on Channel 4 News, she’ll say: “It was only a suggestion. I have now rejected this and instead I’m looking at ways of boosting the economy with a series of Viking raids into Birmingham from the Grand Union Canal.”
And she showed she can deal with other leaders. “The best thing to do with Nicola Sturgeon is to ignore her,” she said. So we’ll be told on the news: “At the meeting to discuss defence budgets, the Scottish leader made her opening statement. Then Liz Truss replied, ‘La, la, la, la, I’m not even listening’” and played the drums.
Liz also told us Sturgeon “is just an attention seeker”.
This must be annoying because Truss can’t stand an attention seeker. When she was filmed on a tank, this wasn’t attention seeking, she had actually become a tank commander earlier that day and she was preparing for an assault on Russian positions in
Ukraine. She hired a photographer to take publicity pictures of her while on a government visit.
The sort of picture that was released was one where she’s cycling past Sydney Opera House holding a Union Jack umbrella. It’s a pose that says “Please don’t give me any attention, I’m a serious artist”.
Then she might say: “The way to deal with Emmanuel Macron is to kick him in the b ***** ks.”
This is all excellent news because Britain needs continuity, so, as we’ve just lost an incoherent fruitbat, it’s very important we move on seamlessly with another one.