Shock and guffaw at state of our country
WHATEVER you think of her, Liz Truss had become such a part of our lives for so long that we will all miss her.
The Conservative Party love this country. They tell us every time they speak how they love it so much, that they want the whole world to look at us in complete awe.
And they’ve managed that. Because every country in the planet is laughing: “Haha, what the bloody hell is the matter with Britain?”
I know a foreign correspondent who has been in Ukraine this week, who interviewed someone who said: “Oh dear, you’re from Britain. You have my sympathy, it’s such a mess there.”
If this goes on for another six weeks, they’ll be taking us in.
Thousands of us will flee to Ukraine as refugees, while kind people in the villages let us sleep on their settee, saying: “We get the odd Russian shell through the roof but at least you’re not living under your fruitbat government any more.”
People in Somalia and Syria must be watching this on the news, telling their children: “It makes you grateful we live somewhere that isn’t so ridiculous.”
It must be possible that by Christmas the whole country will be sectioned by the United Nations and placed in a secure unit where we are not allowed near a tin opener just in case we do any more damage. The Government is clearly
under the control of someone who writes soap operas, at the point where they have to be madder than ever as the ratings have collapsed.
So Boris Johnson will probably return, but in the special episode at Christmas we’ll find out he’s not Boris Johnson, but Johnson’s twin brother.
Older traditional Conservative MPs regularly make statements such as: “I feel the country would now be governed much better if we were invaded by ISIS.
“This is why I have tabled a motion that ‘In light of recent events, may we strike down the infidels who take in vain the name of the almighty. All praise be upon him’.” Tories on the news are asked questions such as: “What measures should now be taken to stabilise the markets?”
And they reply: “I want my mum. I’m frightened. I want to go home.”
They kicked Johnson out because, under his leadership, they might be reduced to 100 Tory MPs at an election. But now they want him back because that’s the best they can hope for.
Then they talk about the need to stabilise the party, and clearly this is such a priority they don’t have time to consider the less important issues, such as how half of us might lose our home, and entire cities will have to huddle together with a giant hot water bottle to keep warm.
Their reason for not holding a general election is “the rules say we don’t have to have one”.
This is true, just as there are no rules against sticking your privates into a wasps’ nest, but sometimes it’s best to do what’s right and proper even when the rules don’t insist on it.