Dear departed
Royals to give explicit Crown the bum’s rush
I USED to live up the road from Kidlington, the Oxfordshire village that’s a Mecca for Chinese tourists.
It’s got some picturesque cottages and a 13th century church. So, like the locals, I was baffled by coachloads of visitors flocking to ordinary houses on a 1970s estate, with their net curtains, hanging baskets and wheelie bins.
Homeowners have been very accommodating, posing for selfies on the doorstep and even flogging them cream teas. But they feared the cheery HAVE you given much thought to your funeral lately?
Burial or cremation? Do you want to take your final journey in a traditional hearse or one drawn by pink-plumed ponies, and would you like hymns or Robbie Williams singing Angels?
And, most importantly, do your loved ones know?
The answer is probably no, as a poll shows 53 per cent of us have never discussed the end of our lives with our nearest and dearest.
Which i s perfectly understandable.
Our mortality scares us and imagining losing those we love is agonising.
But, sensitive as it is, we MUST tell our next of kin how we’d like our funerals to be, so as not to leave a legacy of crippling debt at the most vulnerable times in their lives.
Death in Britain today is a £1.7billiona-year industry – not just due to rising death rates. It’s because funeral firms Chinese were being led up the garden path by guides pretending Benmead Road had featured in Inspector Morse.
So they asked the visitors why they came and were told: “We are looking have been allowed to keep their charges shrouded – and exploit the grief and confusion of the recently bereaved.
Funeral costs have DOUBLED in the past decade and the average price is now £ 3,675. But it’s a postcode lottery. Councils’ own graveyards and crematoriums and often hike fees to offset other budget cuts, pushing the cost of a burial to £10,000 in some areas.
And growing numbers of families simply can’t afford it.
This year 93,000 people will get into debt paying for a funeral, maxing out credit cards or using payday lenders.
Because while we’ve become savvy consumers used to shopping around, 75 per cent of us will never research funeral costs and simply accept “fixed price packages” the funeral directors flog.
Because when you’re numb with grief and just want a lovely send-off for your for the true sense of this country.” Well if they want a real snapshot of modern Britain, I suggest a detour down Langford Lane to Campsfield House.
It’s the immigration detention centre where asylum seekers and refugees fleeing war-ravaged countries are banged up behind 20ft high, razor wire-topped fences while their applications are processed.
That might give a truer sense of how some foreigners looking for decent homes are welcomed. relative, you do. There’s been a surge in pre-paid funeral plans, which take the financial burden off the families you leave behind. And a government fund can help in cases of hardship, although it hasn’t kept pace with the soaring costs.
But the Natural Death Centre and the Fair Funerals Campaigns say there must be more transparency, with firms advertising their costs openly so customers can make informed choices.
Or you could go for a DIY funeral – which, many are surprised to learn, IS perfectly legal.
Like Wendy Miller, whose eccentric but inspiring story of burying her 83-year -old mother is posted on YouTube.
She used her camper van as a hearse, found a plot, borrowed a shovel and dug the grave single-handedly.
It only cost Wendy the price of the diesel for that final journey. And it was exactly what her mother wanted.
We should all know how our loved ones hope to rest in peace – to give everyone peace of mind.
Because the cost of dying should not cause suffering for the living. I SHALL watch The Crown on Netflix over the weekend, if only to see how they’ve managed to spend £100million on frocks.
But I’ve been put off a bit by the hype that it’s high art rather than a very expensive soap aimed at Downton Abbey-less Americans.
Director Stephen Daldry says the story of the Queen’s early reign is “even more interesting now because of Brexit”. Eh?
Matt Smith – Prince Philip – claims it shows the royal couple “human and exposed”. Literally, it seems, with lots of shots of the Duke of Edinburgh’s bum.
And Clare Foy, who stars as Her Majesty, says: “It’s a drama about interesting people, they’re all f***** up and in situations that are dangerous or exciting.”
Blimey. And they actually think Liz and Phil will be binge-watching in Buck House?
Scriptwriter Peter Morgan gushed: “I think they are both very nervous and excited!”
I think they’re bored already and view it like the Queen’s actual favourite TV show – Pointless.