Island of horrors
Burst their Bublé at the start
SHOCK at the British nearly Soap Awards as deserving. every winner was the board, Emmerdale swept night while Corrie had a decent a paltry one EastEnders bagged suggest it gong. So may I politely obsession and dumps the bin-day cack sub-Grange Hill bullying viewers’ and stops ruining favourite characters. Just a thought. SO, to get you up to speed, Dom is cracking on with Jessica after he pied Montana.
Sam is “sticking it on” Olivia after they mugged off Camilla and Marcel.
And Kem and Chloe entered the “friend zone” so he cracked on with Amber after she pied Harley.
Welcome to the hidden TV gem that is Love Island.
An ITV2 reality show whose sole purpose is to get vacuous young trollops and pumped-up berks into bed in a villa on Majorca for seven weeks.
On paper it’s a hideous display of lowest common denominator baseness that sees couples humping their way to £50,000.
In reality it’s not, though, for one simple reason – the network, the editors and brilliant narrator Iain Stirling know exactly what they’ve got on their hands and play it for giggles, ribbing their own creation mercilessly.
If they didn’t, it would be as unwatchable as Ex on the Beach or Big Brother. award goes to... Tasks include spin the giant bottle where the girls have to snog the boy they think “once drank a glass of his own urine”. Because you’d certainly snog him.
On the female side there’s Amber, who previously slept with two blokes in one night, Chloe and Olivia, who spent thousands on fake boobs, and Camilla, who “works in humanitarian explosive ordnance disposal” and clearly caught the wrong coach at Palma Airport.
The boys include “Northern Adonis” Dom and “obviously good looking” Kem, a future Towie mirror-starer who calls himself “The K Swizzle” and believes: “I’m a proper little innocent boy. I’ve only slept with 28 girls.”
There’s Sam, who “pulls birds for a living” and was hoping to find a girl with “a cracking a**e and cracking body”.
And Harley, who by stark contrast was “looking for a gym girl, nice legs, nice bum”. And finally Marcel, who used to be in boyband Blazin’ Squad but “doesn’t want anyone to know” so told everyone.
Iain Stirling is having a field day with it and, during those rare moments Marcel isn’t banging on about Blazin’ Squad, produces genius: “It’s Sam and Olivia’s big moment and we’ve thrown everything at this date. And when I say we’ve thrown ‘everything’ I mean ‘a towel’. And when I say ‘this date’ I mean ‘over a wall’.”
I’m hooked on this show, despite the fact tackiness is a constant stone’s throw away, as demonstrated by a slip of the tongue from Jessica while justifying stealing Dom from Montana on the grounds it was honest gameplay.
“I feel bad for doing it but I couldn’t choose someone else and be inauthentic. Because it’s going to happen – we’re on the game.”
Yes. Every one of you. LIKE a Minipops for the iPad generation comes ITV spin-off The Voice Kids, with coaches Danny Jones, Pixie Lott and Will.i.am being way too nice and spinning for almost all of them. Host Emma Willis in the waiting room: “This is where the next Justin Bieber has breakfast with the next Michael Bublé.” Then for the love of God,stop them before it’s too late.