Zombie Tories are a bad joke

May & Co denying democracy

WITH schools broken up and Parliament in recess, I turned my hand to something I don’t usually do.

I trod the boards at the Soho Theatre as part of comedian Andy Parsons’s show.

The House of Commons is a comedy bear pit at the best of times and in my last speech before recess I decried the denial of democracy this Government, propped up by sectarian pals, is presiding over.

In the debate I called on them to relent from suppressing the traditional “opposition days” in Parliament where we choose the subject of debate. None has been granted to Labour since January.

There have also been no days set aside for private members’ bills brought f orward by backbenchers. Having lost their majority the Tories are fixing the one thing they do control, the parliamentary timetable.

We now have a zombie Government whose flagship policies have all collapsed.

These included the reintroduction of grammar schools and bringing back fox hunting plus the dementia tax, which fell apart at the seams in Ealing when Theresa May was televised haplessly trying to sell it on a doorstep. Ditto some stuff that looked quite good, such as the 25-year plan for the environment... that might materialise in 25 years.

My comedy content overlapped with my Commons speech significantly. With this hapless Government the jokes write themselves. I added in a dash of Boris having recently been to Uxbridge.

The audience laughed with me rather than at me, hopefully.

A refreshing change from the jeering Tories in Parliament.

Turn

I was flattered to have been asked to take part because other MPs they’d had were famous, like ex-deputy PM Nick Clegg.

Mind you he’s no longer an MP. It looks like Clegg did his t urn during t he election campaign, which I declined as I was in the fight of my life.

Clegg probably assumed, quite erroneously, he’d be safely re- elected. My comedy experience was good fun b u t my constituents – some of whom were in t he audience – always come first. Rest assured I will not be giving up the day job. IN 2015 I had a brush with Boris Johnson in Acton when he campaigned for the then Tory MP, who I defeated.

The papers said I was “manhandled” by his team, lawyers might prefer “assault”. It even made Newsnight. So when a Labour mass canvas came to Uxbridge for #unseatBorisday I was happy to help the 400-plus activists who turned up.

The people we spoke to had never seen him. Clearly the ex-London mayor only used Uxbridge as a stepping stone back to Parliament. His Labour opponent said he’d boycotted the all-candidate preelection meeting – making him not just chicken but chlorinated chicken. I get the feeling Foreign Secretary Boris wouldn’t even know where Uxbridge is on a map.