I am right hooked on the Dales
IF ITV soaps were royal princes then Corrie would be Prince William – dependable, reliable, someone we love dearly.
The younger sibling Emmerdale would be naughty Prince Harry – wilder, easy on the eye and, quite frankly, just a little bit sexier of late.
And while Corrie has been, excellently, dealing with the dark subject of child grooming and the important issues of gay parenting, it’s black sheep Emmerdale that has been blowing up screens, with teenagers brandishing guns and murdering mums.
Over the last two weeks Emmerdale aired an impressive 14 episodes and every one was a classic. Cheating grooms, runaway brides and Dynasty-style catfights, it has it all. Emmerdale is bloody brilliant. Considering the show is 45 years old, it’s certainly looking well for its age. Who says country living is peaceful?
Begging
In the dales there are murders galore and people’s sexuality can change in minutes. Cue Robert Sugden, fantastically played by Ryan Hawley, flip- flopping between Aaron Dingle and Home Farm sisters Chrissie and Rebecca White. Rebecca is pregnant with his baby.
At one point it also looked like he was also going to make a play for their gay dad Lawrence but he decided to blackmail and drug him instead.
Daddy, who currently holds the keys to Home Farm, once had a gay affair with late village legend Edna Birch’s husband. Are you keeping up?
There’s something in the dales water that makes the local straight women gay with just one splash of the stuff.
It’s a bit like Gremlins. The vets are particularly susceptible to it.
Pensioners are sexually charged and randy teenagers regularly ensnare older partners then gleefully break up their marriages. No one is happy for longer than a few episodes at best.
If you lived there you would definitely want to move. This week’s focus was split between Leyla and Pete’s aborted wedding, which was handy as Leyla’s best friend and bridesmaid Priya had been having it away with the groom, and two of the show’s finest leading ladies, frenemies Megan Macey, played by Gaynor Faye, and Charity Tate – Emma Atkins.
They joined forces to take down Megan’s boyfriend Frank, who cheated on her with Charity, but only after Megan had smashed Charity with a right hook so hard that Joan Collins’s Alexis Colby would have applauded.
They plan to wreak revenge on Frank by setting him up over a dodgy timeshare scheme and keep all the money themselves.
The show’s scripts are on sparkling form too. “You know it’s taking all my energy not to smack him in his lying gob,” Megan the LorrainLorraine show – and is doing both brillibrilliantly. She’s a breath of fresh air in the loloose women anchor seat and brilliantly consistent on LorraLorraine. MaybMaybe it’s being happily married to gorgeous Frank, but she is simply glowing and is a pleasure to watch. hissed. “The biggest smack in the gob you can give him is when you’re disappearing into the sunset with the cash,” smirked Charity. The two then clinked glasses as if in an episode of US Blockbusters. Both actresses are acting their high heels off and it’s sizzling on screen.
Elsewhere vicar Harriet was begging the village strumpet to leave her boyfriend alone. The action was in the church but Harriet gave the best speech in The Woolpack. “You’re Jolene. And I’m Dolly. Except I’m saying take him but take him now. Before I get any deeper and I can still get over it.”
Cue guilty Moira insisting she would leave Cain alone.
She’s lying, of course. Harriet is going to need more than divine intervention to stop her stealing her fella and we’ll be watching when it kicks off. I can’t wait.