‘I quit being an Orthodox Jew – and now I work in lingerie’
Feeling stifled by her strict life in the Haredi community, Julia Haart, 51, discovered how to express herself through fashion
I ‘always divide my life into two parts. I say that my life until I walked out the door is what was done to me, my life afterwards is what I’ve accomplished. My parents [Lina and Alan] became really religious when I was nine. First it was kosher, then it was “don’t wear pants [trousers]”, then it was “you can’t do dance or cheerleading trials”. It just happened so gradually. By the time you are there, you are just convinced that it’s what God wants, so who am I to argue against God?
We moved to New York when I was 11. From then until I was 42, the only part of my body that was uncovered were my hands and my face. I wore stockings with socks on top of them – God forbid the stocking would rip and a piece of skin would be seen through it. My hair was covered in a wig.
In my teenage years I was living like I was in Bridgerton in the 1800s but with a lot less fancy clothing – and a lot less fun! The idea is that women are supposed to be wives and mothers and look after their children. You don’t have dances, dates or a prom.
From 11 until I got married at 19, I didn’t even shake a man’s hand. You can’t be alone together. Going out is sitting in a crowded place to talk about your purpose, your beliefs and what you are going to be like as a wife.
I got married to Yosef Hendler at 19. He was 24. I hadn’t had sex before my wedding night. Luckily for me I had illicitly read Barbara Cartland. I was very naughty. I would sneak out books from the library and hide them. Barbara’s romances felt familiar because the man was the husband and the woman was the
subservient wife. It was a male/female dynamic that I was comfortable with.
I really wasn’t happy in the marriage – not because Yosef did anything wrong but because he wasn’t the right person for me. He was trying to make me into this sweet, kind, retiring, non-combative person, so I was constantly miserable.
I have four children [Batsheva, Shlomo, Miriam and Aron] but I had 10 pregnancies and six miscarriages. Life was so restrictive, I felt like I was going to explode. I felt itchy in my own skin. It was like a pressure cooker – 30 years of things sitting in my head that I wanted to do, discover and create. That misery was really painful. I had children, I was an obedient wife but I just couldn’t be modest enough. That was my problem.
I first started to question religion in my mid-thirties after my daughter Miriam, who was then five, started asking questions. She asked, “Why can’t I run?” and my husband said, “Because a man might see you and have bad thoughts.” And she said, “Why is that my responsibility?” And I thought, “Yes, why is it her responsibility?” Because you couldn’t convince me that my five-year-old was evil.
I was 42 when I left my old life. I just walked out of the door. I’d been married for 23 years. I acted like a crazy person, throwing things. It was now or never.
Yosef was so shocked. My children were very shocked but supportive. Batsheva, my eldest daughter, took it the hardest. But today we have a great relationship and are close. However, my siblings [Julia is the eldest of eight] and parents cut me out of their lives.
Alone in the city
When I walked out, I was not wealthy. In my world the jobs that women did were babysitter, nanny, pre-school teacher – always in the community. That money was not controlled by the woman – it was given to the man. I had secretly been selling insurance to make money. No one in the community knew.
When I first left, I went to a hotel in Manhattan. It was so surreal. I had never
‘My problem was I just couldn’t be
modest enough’
slept alone in a hotel in my life. You go from your father’s house to seminary, to your husband’s house. Women don’t get apartments.
The deal that Yosef and I made was he would let me see our youngest son
Aron if I would come back for Shabbos [the Sabbath]. By that stage the other kids were older – Batsheva was married, Shlomo was in Yeshiva [a Jewish educational institution] and Miriam was a teenager and she wanted out as much as I did.
After leaving, I went on dates. My attitude was to jump in then figure it out. The only thing I feared was taking off my wig. Here I am having sex with complete strangers with my wig on. Go figure that out – it’s so illogical. Uncovering your hair is nakedness.
Freedom and fashion
Watching Sex And The City changed my life.
I had never had an orgasm. The fact that you could self-pleasure was a revelation – I loved that they didn’t need a man. These are women who have lived by themselves and are the arbiters of their own destiny. That blew my mind. Of course, I knew that world existed. It was my innermost dream and here it was happening right next door to me.
I think I must have been born with my fashion sense. I drew everywhere. I taught myself how to sew. I would design my own patterns and get hold of fashion magazines like Vogue when I could. I couldn’t help myself – it was the one part of my nature I couldn’t fix.
Shoes were my obsession. I’m tiny – a size
2 in the UK – so even though I wasn’t really supposed to, I wore high heels. That was the one thing no one could convince me not to do. I kept on saying, “Where in the Torah does it say you can’t wear high heels?”
It was a canister of petrol that changed my life. I went to help a friend who had run out of petrol and I met Ephrayim Lerner, who worked in the fashion industry. He offered me a job as a shoe designer and went on to help me set up my own business. In 2015, we did a co-branding between Julia Haart shoes and luxury lingerie brand La Perla, which led to designing bags and lingerie. Within less than a year I was creative director of La Perla – I did the designs. It was a “pinch me” moment and I embraced it. I’m an eternal student and I think that’s one of my greatest strengths – I’m not afraid of what I don’t know.
When I started at La Perla, I was told, “Julia, don’t use the word comfort. You either can have comfort or you can have luxury.” My response was, “F**k that!” Just because something is the norm doesn’t mean it is the right thing.
I’ve been having people my whole life telling me what’s accepted.
At La Perla we didn’t produce a single thing until I’d worn it for at least a week. If I was comfortable in it, then other people would be. Women were not going to suffer for beauty on my watch. The first thing we made was called the Freedom Panty and it sold out everywhere. We also did a dress with Kendall Jenner, which was a lot of fun. It was 85,000 crystals and a single thread. She wore it to the Met Gala in 2017.
In the last nine years I’ve accomplished a few things. [After Julia left La Perla in 2019, she became CEO of the talent and modelling agency Elite World Group where she met and married Silvio Scaglia. They’re currently going through a divorce and Julia has left Elite World Group. She also has a Netflix reality show with her family, My Unorthodox Life.]
Now I’ve got a shapewear company +Body that’s a mix of tech innovation and luxury that helps women.
I don’t miss anything from the community, apart from my family and friends. Yosef and I are good friends now. He’s moved out of the community too – no more black hat for him!
He’s a good man. We were both victims of the system. I’m not in touch with my siblings or my parents, who are in Israel. One day I hope to reconcile. I pray for that every single day.