BULLET TRAIN
Cert 15 ★★
In cinemas now
With Brad Pitt in action mode and one of the John Wick directors in the foldable seat, I had high hopes for this comedy-action film set on a high-speed Japanese train.
Sadly, Bullet Train is one of the films where you’ve already seen all the best bits in the trailer.
Director David Leitch (Deadpool 2) serves up cartoon violence and sudden flashbacks and introduces achingly quirky killers with garish intertitles.
Leitch, and his screenwriter Zak Olkewicz, seem to be aping 90s’ Quentin Tarantino and, worse, Lock Stock director Guy Ritchie. Brad Pitt has worked with both, but his casting only underlines this film-making pair’s shortcomings.
Pitt plays Ladybug, a goofy hitman who wears a bucket hat and geeky glasses, and talks like the back cover of a self-help book. After a series of mishaps, he has been persuaded back to work by his handler (Sandra Bullock) to collect a cashstuffed briefcase from a train travelling from Tokyo to Kyoto.
But he doesn’t know that the case is currently in the possession of cockney killers Tangerine (Aaron Taylorjohnson) and Lemon (Brian Tyree Henry) who have just rescued the son of a notorious crime lord, White Death (Michael Shannon), from a kidnapping.
While Ladybug is obsessed with self-improvement, Tangerine has a thing for Thomas The Tank Engine – two quirks that quickly run out of steam.
Other passengers include a psycho schoolgirl (Joey King), a Mexican cartel boss (Benito A Martinez Ocasio) and a poisoner (Zazie Beetz).
The action scenes are diverting but forgettable. The second-class banter is a bigger problem. After two hours with this shower, you’ll be ready to get off.