The five arguments all couples need to have

It can be a challenge but working through a row can make your relationship stronger

How we communicate with each other, deal with each other’s families, share responsibilities and manage boundaries are all issues that can cause arguments between couples. But rather than thinking that disagreements are to be avoided, some disputes – and learning how to reconcile them – offer couples the potential for their relationship to grow.

Couples therapist Joanna Harrison says there are five rows all couples have to resolve if they are to enjoy a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

“When we come up against each other’s different ideas in the form of an argument,

1 “YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME”

We argue with our partners about the stuff we care about – things that upset us or that feel important.

Being listened to isn’t the same as being agreed with, but there is huge value in finding better ways to ‘hear’ each other and be more understanding of different styles of communicating.

Make time to discuss how you’re doing and talk about important things when there are no distractions. Listen to each other’s point of view without interrupting and never underestimate the power of saying sorry for how you have made someone feel.

Acknowledge how your partner feels, even if you don’t agree with them – it shows you have listened.

It’s also important to avoid starting talks with blame. “It seems difficult for us to have a conversation about this” is better than, “You’re so rubbish at listening”. we have an opportunity to learn about the things we both care about,” she says.

“We discover the mutually agreeable ways of doing things and learn where each other’s limits are. If we can better understand what’s going on between us when we argue – and repair afterwards – it can strengthen our relationships.”

These are the arguments Joanna suggests all couples ought to have…

“YOUR FAMILY DRIVE ME MAD”

Whether it’s an interfering mother-inlaw or your partner changes when they’re with their family, the “in-law problem” stands for a wider issue that all couples have to find a way to navigate – how to cope with all aspects of each other’s family.

You may need to bridge the way for each other to try to understand each other’s families and define boundaries between you and your respective families.

Be aware that it can be a very sensitive topic. You may complain about your own family, but take it personally when you hear your partner complaining about them. Take time to be curious and have an open mind so that you don’t assume your family’s way is the “right way”.

Work together.

Don’t leave your partner to resolve their issues with your family on their own or tell them to “get over it”.

And be clear about the kind of boundaries you want to establish when it comes to involvement with each of your families.

4 “YOU’RE ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE”

This complaint is all about the tensions created when we discover the different ideas we have about what space we want or can bear to have from each other, physically or mentally, and what we do and don’t want to share with each other.

Treat boundaries around phones and social media as an essential housekeeping issue. If being physically apart from each other is more of an issue for one of you, plan in advance for navigating those difficult feelings and opposing attitudes.

Find ways to show you’re thinking about each other when apart. And “top up” on time together before or after a separation.

“I GET TAKEN FOR GRANTED”

This argument can cover many issues, from who does the washing up and takes the bins out to who pays the bills.

When sharing jobs goes well, there can be real enjoyment from a sense of collaboration. But there may be contrasting ideas about what work actually needs doing and who should do what.

Don’t expect your partner to mind read and do the things you think need doing. Communicate with each other about what these are and be up for having a go at something you don’t normally do.

Support networks matter too. Being able to let off steam with friends is always helpful.

“I’M NOT HAPPY WITH OUR SEX LIFE”

There’s no right way to have a sex life and no right amount of sex to be having – from no sex to lots of it, monogamous or open relationship – as long as it works for both people.

Sex can be a point of contention for all sorts of reasons, from differing levels of desire to becoming parents. Couples need to find a way to talk about it, otherwise it can slip off the radar and they are left feeling physically disconnected with a sense that something is missing.

Communicating openly and honestly about sex can be the most difficult topic of all but it is essential.

Keep sex fun and don’t be afraid to make mistakes or try something new.

FIVE ARGUMENTS ALL COUPLES (NEED TO) HAVE: AND WHY THE WASHING UP MATTERS, JOANNA HARRISON, SOUVENIR PRESS, £14.99