Let’s help unlikely lads to open up
Attitudes to mental health are changing, but journalist and author Sam Delaney believes working-class men are being left behind
The first time I ever visited a therapist I was terrified my mates would find out. If word got round that I was seeing a shrink, I thought they would see me as weak, or a nut job or – worst of all – a whinger. I had a good job, a happy marriage and two brilliant kids. What did I have to be depressed about?
I felt ashamed of myself for seeking help. It’s a fear common to lots of men – especially ones from backgrounds like mine.
I’m 47 now, and I grew up in social housing as the youngest of four brothers in a single parent family. We went to comprehensive schools, and I was the first in the family to go to university. The world I grew up in was one of beer, banter and football. I was part of the lad mag generation who took nothing seriously, especially ourselves.
It was fun while it lasted. But we paid a heavy price because our refusal to ever look inward or talk about our darker feelings created a ticking time bomb.
By the time I was in my late 30s I was struggling to cope with the combined pressures of work, family and socialising – and had started to self-medicate with alcohol. Luckily for me, I was by then living a middleclass lifestyle which meant I could afford to pay for the help I needed. Therapy was my first step to getting better and I have now been sober seven-and-a-half years.
There is a mental illness epidemic in the UK, especially among working-class men. Here, suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45.
And while being posh or rich doesn’t protect you from mental illness, being working class definitely puts you more at risk. Research by the Mental Health Foundation shows children and adults living in the lowest 20% income bracket are two to three times more likely to develop mental health problems than those in the highest. And research by the Campaign Against Living Miserably shows men in the most disadvantaged areas are up to 10 times more likely to take their own lives than those in richer parts. These stats might be partly linked to the high costs of private therapy (which can range from £40 to £150 per hour) and the difficulty of getting help from the NHS (a 2018 study by the British Medical
Association showed that waiting times for therapy were up to two years).
But it’s about the causes of mental health as well as the treatments.
“Living in insecure housing and experiencing money worries puts you into a constant state of fight or flight,” says writer, broadcaster and former government mental health tsar, Natasha Devon MBE. “But it’s also about how we talk about mental health.
“When I go to work in schools, it’s still working-class boys who find it hardest to open up. It’s not their fault. It’s because we are not asking the right questions.”
In other words, we shouldn’t be blaming working-class lads for not wanting to get involved in the soft and cuddly language of mental health. Instead, maybe we should be trying to speak to them in their own language a bit more.
“It’s about education and helping young lads understand they have the right to ask for help,” says Simon Gunning, chief executive of the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM). “Too many young men feel embarrassed to admit to feeling depressed.
“They keep it all inside and that only makes it worse. There are still old-fashioned ideas on what it means to be a tough, strong man that exists across all social classes.”
Social media “stars” like Andrew Tate – now in custody while police investigate allegations of rape and trafficking – present an image of success and glamour rooted in being insensitive and mean. Thankfully, more positive role models are emerging who are showing you can be successful AND vulnerable.
Rapper Professor Green, football player Declan Rice and comedian Romesh Ranganathan are just some of the ambassadors working with CALM. Thanks to role models like that, my 11-year-old son will hopefully grow up with a more open-minded attitude towards mental health than I did.
For many middle-aged blokes like me, masculinity is still all about beer, banter and a stiff upper lip. It’s a real shame because since I learned to be more open about my feelings, I have been amazed by the amount of support I have received. We can all make a change by being more open with our mates: honest conversations show us all we are not alone in our feelings, and we don’t need to feel so ashamed.
Turns out, Jack the Lads aren’t half as insensitive as they sometimes make out.
So next time you’re in the pub, go to the trouble of asking how your mate is actually feeling. Twice.
You might just start a conversation that helps you both.
Sam Delaney’s Sort Your Head Out (£18.99; Little, Brown) is out now
We can all make a change by being more open with our mates