Typical Tory palava

Yet more clueless plotting as major eruption looms

Four days to the end of Dry January. I was press-ganged into it this year and it’s taught me very little except a newfound respect for the teetotal.

There are not many of them round here, alas, but I could do with a chat with one of them, just to find some strategy for how to cope with all this stuff without a couple at lunchtime, teatime, and then some sort of spirit when Newsnight comes on.

It is really difficult. No respite anywhere – I think the nadir came when I got up at 4am in the cold and dark to listen to the cricket.

The Conservative Party is not making temperance easy.

Yet another plot – more accurately, another unsuccessful plot.

First up, a devastating set of polling figures – somehow, incredibly, unthinkably – made their way into a normally friendly newspaper.

The poll of 14,000 people predicts utter electoral oblivion and was commissioned by anonymous Tory donors known as the Conservative Britain Alliance. An unfortunate acronym, CBA.

Where I come from it’s a pretty dismissive response to a texted invite, for instance: “Do you want to go out tonight?”

“Nah, I’ve got no money and I CBA.”

Anyways, that particular bit of mischief is now being investigated – who are these anonymous donors? – and the results are going to be embarrassing.

Following that, Simon Clarke MP (me neither) stuck his head above the parapet saying that Mr Sunak should go or the Tories risk oblivion.

Mr Clarke was dismissed by other Tories as producing nothing more than “facile and divisive selfindulgence”. To be fair, that might as well be their catchphrase at the moment and it would look better on a lectern than “Stop the boats”.

A full 48 hours of action and then the whole thing fizzled out.

One Tory backbencher I spoke to about it rolled his eyes.

“It’s just so obvious. First that poll and then Clarke comes out to take the temperature. Then he goes straight back in again.

“It’s come to something,” he added sadly, “when we can’t even plot properly anymore.”

Quite. One unexpected effect of this abortive mission was to get

Labour all riled up for a May election, although Tories insist that an autumn poll is still the plan.

I spoke to one staffer who said: “The whole thing could blow at any second. It’s like watching a volcano starting to smoke. You don’t just hang around, you get in the car.”

Oh, also, another Tory plot came out. Something about Kemi Badenoch taking over, 100 days, and a new contract with the country.

The sort of stuff that to get into properly would require a drink.

Four days to go...

‘‘ If a volcano starts to smoke you don’t just hang around