HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

CORONATION Street babe Helen Flanagan is held hostage by raiders in her Cheshire home.

The dim- witted drama queen was locked up with them for at least half an hour, which must have been an horrendous ordeal.

And it can’t have been much fun for Helen either.

TUESDAY

CELEBRITY chef Nigella Lawson continues to lay low after her millionaire art collector husband Charles Saatchi was cautioned for squeezing her throat.

She has refused to discuss the incident but may include it in her next recipe book: battered dough- ball with arty choke.

WEDNESDAY

CHANCELLOR George Osborne is humiliated after Barack Obama called him the wrong name three times.

The US President reportedly called him “Jeff”, apparently getting mixed up with crooner Jeffrey Osborne, who sang On The Wings Of Love.

It is an easy mistake to make. Jeff is our Soul King. George is the Arsehole King.

THURSDAY

BREAKING news – the Queen finally cracks a smile after seeing her horse Estimate win the 3.45 at Ascot.

That must have made a nice change for her. Her favourite horse usually comes second. Don’t you, Princess Anne?

FRIDAY

SPOILSPORT supermarket chiefs at Tesco slap a ban on scantily clad shoppers.

Personally, I love to liven up dull shopping trips with a sly perv at women in skimpy tops, especially if they are in the freezer aisle. As they say, every nipple helps.

I’m even more gutted that fellas are banned from going topless too. Half an hour by the rotisserie chickens is a great way to save on sunbed fees.

SATURDAY

FASHION- MAD women go crazy for the so- called MWD – the Minimum Wage Dress – which costs just £ 3.68.

The low price means classy Brit lasses can now buy a new frock, get pissed, cop off – and still have enough change from a tenner to catch the last bus home.

In yoof speak, this process is known as: MWD, WKD, OMG!, STD?, BFH.