HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

UKIP leader Nigel Farage is accused in the European Parliament of bonking an aide.

He denies the claim. If true, his voters would be furious – not so much that he is cheating on his wife but that a passionate affair is almost certain to include FRENCH kissing and quite possibly a bit of GREEK love.

Disgraceful!

WEDNESDAY

RMT Union firebrand Bob Crow dies from a massive heart attack.

After a funeral his body will be lowered into the ground then slowly left to rot – a process similar to using the Circle Line during one of Mr Crow’s many Tube driver strikes. CURVY Kelly Brook’s fella David McIntosh is fined for crashing a van full of dead badgers into a bus stop.

The beefcake was part of a team culling TB- ridden badgers in Gloucestershire – which’ll land him in trouble with animal rights fan Kelly.

That’s a first. Loads of men get into trouble for going out with the lads in search of some hot beaver – but rarely a wheezing badger. VETERAN leftie Tony Benn dies aged 88 – prompting a flood of warm tributes from across the political spectrum.

A true champion of the common people, Benn should have been welcomed into heaven by a choir of celestial angels. Sadly, the celestial angels were refusing to work that day. Apparently Bob Crow had told them to down tools until they received the same pay and conditions as St Peter. MILLIONS of men celebrate “Steak and Blowjob” day.

As a relatively new event in the calendar, I am still struggling to get the hang of it.

For example, my local butcher said he was happy to help me out with half of it for free. But then I still had to buy some steak afterwards. And also a mint.

SATURDAY

POP star Lady Gaga invites “vomit painter” Millie Brown to puke over her during a gig in Texas.

The pair pulled the revolting stunt after riding a mechanical “bucking- bull” machine.

Millie sounds more like a bucking bulimic to me.

TUESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY