Space sex education
AN adult education centre is running evening classes in SPACE SEX.
Professor Johannes Leitner, a physics expert from the University of Vienna, Austria, covers the theoretical problems of bonking in zero gravity.
He said: “The topic is important for research, especially when we think about it in relation to space tourism and the programme for sending the first people to Mars.”
FIRST TIME
SHARON: So Heidi, what was your first time like? HEIDI: Well, mine was with this bouncer who used to work on the doors at a club near me, back home.
I’d been out and got a bit bladdered and he used to always chat me up in the club.
We’d had a few snogs at the end of the night before so it wasn’t like I was being a tart or anything.
Anyway this one night I decided I wanted a bit more and I just jumped on him when he gave me a lift home.
I couldn’t believe how brazen I was. I just shoved my hand down his pants and started w* nking him off, even though I didn’t really know what to do.
Then we went in the back and got it on. It was quite good though. SHARON: I shagged for the first time at a party because one of my mates was taking the piss out of me for being a virgin when I was still 17.
It was so embarrassing because he couldn’t get it in – not because he didn’t have a hard on, we just couldn’t work out how to do it!
It didn’t help that other people were bashing down the door as well while we were going at it in the bathroom. HEIDI: Did you manage to do it? SHARON: Yes, course I did. We got a hotel the weekend after and it was good in the end – we just both had a bit of stage fright I think.
OH- NO MOMENTS
SHARON: Have you ever been caught at it? HEIDI: Unfortunately, lots of times! When I was seeing the bouncer man we used to nip over to the park opposite the club where he worked and do it in the bushes.
There would be loads of drunk people going past but we didn’t care.
We’d always get lads sticking their heads in for a better view.
But when they saw it was the bouncer – and that he was a massive bruiser – they’d soon stop gobbing off at us and run away and leave us to our session. SHARON: Ha ha, that’s funny. I once got caught when I was on holiday in Tenerife.
I’d taken a lad back and my mate came back to the apartment and me and him were going at it hammer and tongs.
She just walked in, stared at us, grabbed a bottle of vodka and went and had a drink and a fag on the balcony.
She came back in when we’d finished.
She had bought a big bag of cheese and onion crisps on her way back too and offered us both some.
It got rid of the taste of the lad’s spunk rather well! HEIDI: That is hilarious!
ORAL PLEASURE
It’s OK every now and then, but not something I like doing all the time
HEIDI: So I take it you don’t mind giving head then? SHARON: No, not at all, I love a bit of sausage, ha ha!
I really like giving head, in fact I like it when a guy f*** s my face – it’s really horny and you can get it right to the back of your throat. HEIDI: Well, I’ve never heard of that before but it sounds, er… interesting! How do you do that? SHARON: You just kind of lie with your head side on then he kneels down and sticks his cock in your mouth and pumps away. HEIDI: I might give that a whirl. I like giving blowjobs too.
BUM FUN
HEIDI: Have you ever tried anal? SHARON: No, I was going to do it once but I chickened out. A bloke stuck his finger up my bumhole for a bit but I didn’t like it.
That was the foreplay, you know, putting the lube up there.
But that was more than enough so I told him to stop. HEIDI: You should try it. It’s OK every now and then, but it’s not something I like doing all the time.
It feels a little weird, but good in a dirty way, if you’re in the mood.
ADULT TOYS
HEIDI: I got one of those Magic Wand vibrators for Christmas. It’s really good. SHARON: Is it? I got a Rampant Rabbit when I was with my first boyfriend and we had some fun with that.
I thought it was really good and I couldn’t believe how quick it was to make you have an orgasm.
It was better than the bloke! HEIDI: Ha, I bet. I might get one of those too. I really like the Wand though. It doesn’t go up your fanny like the Rabbit but it still blows your mind.
GROUP ACTION
HEIDI: Would you ever do a threesome? SHARON: I think I would really like to do that, just having two fit blokes all over you. I think it would be horny.
HEIDI: The bouncer was always on about me having one with his friends but it kind of scared me a bit.
I think I’d be a bit flustered and wouldn’t be able to cope with two big willies. Maybe if it was two girls and two guys, then if you wanted to have a spitroast you could, and if you just wanted one bloke that would be fine too.
You could have a bit of a girly thing going on as well. SHARON: Well, the girl thing doesn’t really float my boat. I’d just stick with the blokes.
FANTASIES
HEIDI: Is there anything you’d really like to do in bed? SHARON: Well, I read something in that Fifty Shades of Grey book and I fancy having one of those sex contracts they go on about in there.
I like the idea of a man being in control and him telling me to be waiting at home in my best underwear for a really good seeing- to.
I like whole being tied up and teased thing then bossed around in the bedroom. It’s a huge turn on.
HEIDI: I know what you mean, I thought Christian Grey was really hot as well. I like the whole older man fantasy. I’m not that fussed about being spanked and all that other stuff, I would rather meet an older guy who treats me like a princess who I can try a load of new things with.
Like dressing up as a nurse and him being my patient and things like that.
I think it would be really hot.
WILLY SIZE
SHARON: I once dated this fella who had to use special condoms – he was HUGE!
The first time I did it with him, I really didn’t think it would happen. His knob was about nine inches long and really thick.
But thankfully I managed to do it and I tell you it was amazing.
It definitely reached parts other ones can’t and I orgasmed again and again. HEIDI: That sounds good. I’d fancy a bit of that. I’ve never had one that big.
But I did once meet a guy with a tiny one. I just looked at it and thought, “What’s the point in wasting a notch on my bedpost?” So I said I was going to the loo and ran off out of his house!