The meat and two veg opened with a superb amuse bouche
IT’S THE PROFANISAURUS
THE LATEST edition of Viz comic is on sale now, with its regular update of the ace Roger’s Profanisaurus.
Get Viz – priced £ 3.20 – from your newsagents now. Here’s a selection of our favourites... Amuse bouche 1. n. A bite- size hors d’oeuvre at a posh dinner party or restaurant. 2. n. A pre- coitus meat- based snack noshed by a lucky lady. Often served with a side order of gentleman’s relish. As one door closes another one opens phr. An optimistic philosophical apophthegm of the sort espoused by glass- half- full types, which can be propounded at the missus’s monthly times of adversity. “Sorry, Terry, not tonight. I’ve got the painters in.” “Don’t be downhearted, June. You know what they say: as one door closes another one opens.” Bark is worse than its bite, its exclam. Said of a large and noisy treacle tart which, luckily, has no olfactory teeth. Blunderpiss n. A haphazardly scattered wazz that lacks accuracy at long range due to a flared muzzle. Bukkankle n. An unlikely activity from the Victorian era involving a lady’s lower leg and a circle of easily- excited gentlemen with mutton- chop whiskers. Changing of the guard n. A stirring show of manual bidexterity when one hand has been overused. Cheese fog n. The pervading, noisome, foetid atmosphere found in a self- polluting teenager’s room on a particularly rampant 12- w* nk Wednesday. Clifford n. A measurement not exceeding two- and- a- half inches. “That carpet’s a couple of Cliffords short of the wall.” Dolly filler n. Sticky white putty that is useful for filling cracks. Fox at a bin bag, like a sim. Descriptive of the way a romantically- inclined damsel might go at a boulevardier’s knob in an alleyway. Also like a dog eating hot chips. Genetic make- up 1. n. The entirety of an organism’s hereditary information. 2. n. Strands of sticky white DNA decorating woman with a face like an art room sink. Spaghetti bollocknaise. Glenquidditch n. Chaotic sport that involves running around with a broom between your legs after not enjoying single malt whisky responsibly. Grease the runway v. To avail oneself of the first coffee or cigarette of the day, thus encouraging the appearance of a turtle’s head. Meat and two veg euph. A ménage a trois. Pan Gogh n. A piece of post expressionist art left unflushed in a public convenience to be appreciated by the next user of the cubicle. Quidders n. Pound shop patrons. The sort of folk who are unlikely to bid for Faberge eggs at auction. Randlord n. A perverted publican whose habitual gropery, tit-staring and constant stream of crude innuendo have inexplicably worn thin with his uptight and frigid female customers. Sticking your hand into a nest full of bats wings, like sim. Discovering a set of excessively large, warm, leathery labia majoras, whilst fumbling about in a lady’s applecatchers. Sunnyside up adj. Of top eggs spotted whilst on beach patrol, frying gently in the sunshine. Takes his own bags to the supermarket euph. Said of a chap with clean nails who bakes a light sponge and likes his peas minted. “He’s not fooling me. Fathering a baby’s not going to convince me he doesn’t take his own bags to the supermarket.” Think pod 1. n. An individual quiet oasis of contemplation provided for each Scottish MP in their parliamentary building. 2. n. A works bog cubicle used as a place of solitude and relaxation, a base for formulating company policy, playing Angry Birds or simply w* nking oneself daft. Tramp’s tongue n. A flash of pink poking out through a mass of unruly whiskers. Turkish love letter n. A kebab posted through a letterbox on a drunken night out. Vulvarine n. A formidably powerful, grey, hairy wolf bite with a feral, bloody aroma. Weinstein n. One who becomes a f*** ing genius after downing a few drinks.