HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

KING Juan Carlos of Spain abdicates due to old age.

Meanwhile, Prince Charles switches his mother’s telly to Spanish rolling news then hides the remote control.

TUESDAY

THERE are further claims that some Birmingham schools have been secretly taken over by hardline Muslims.

One way to find out would be to ask the pupils for a show of hands. If they haven’t got any – then their school has definitely gone too far.

WEDNESDAY

A PAGEBOY faints during the Queen’s Speech to Parliament.

Gold carriages, huge diamonds, unconscious youngsters – sounds like a standard Wednesday morning round at Jimmy Savile’s flat.

THURSDAY

CHILDREN with divorced parents are 50 per cent more likely to be fat, according to new research.

That is why they call them “tug- of- love” kids – because you need a tug to pull them out to sea when they go swimming.

FRIDAY

EUROPE pauses to remember the 70th anniversary of the D- Day landings.

My old grandad said it did not feel like 70 years since he bayoneted that German on Omaha Beach.

That is because it was only five years ago – and it was over a sun lounger in Benidorm.

SATURDAY

TEACHERS should use super heroes to help kids learn about science, says one expert.

That’s nothing new. Wonder Woman taught me everything know about physics back in the 1980s. Friction, mainly.