HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

FIVE members of England’s World Cup team visit a tough shanty town in Rio.

Daniel Sturridge, Danny Wellbeck and Jack Wilshere were among the group who toured Rochina, a huge slum plagued by guns, drugs and murder.

Wayne Rooney did not go on the trip as it sounded a bit too posh for his taste.

TUESDAY

LONDON Mayor Boris Johnson buys a water cannon without government approval.

The controversial purchase has angered civil rights groups who believe using it on rioters is an act of State oppression.

Luckily, Boris only wants it to fill his moat.

WEDNESDAY

THE Met Office predicts that we are due an “exceptionally hot summer”.

Trouble flares at shops as people rush to stock up on wellies, sandbags and inflatable life rafts.

THURSDAY

THE opening day of the World Cup is marred by riots in Sao Paolo – proving that some things are more important than football.

The rioters started brightly with plenty of attacking spirit but struggled to break through the cops’ unflappable defence.

After the halfway point, their lack of fitness began to show and they were soon finished off by an impressive volley – of tear gas.

FRIDAY

THE Prime Minister repeats his commitment to ensuring that schools teach British values.

Apparently lessons will start late and be delivered by Polish immigrants because they are cheaper than homegrown teachers.

Luckily, the kids will be too pissed to notice.

SATURDAY

ENGLAND play their opening World Cup match, struggling to control the ball on a rock- hard dodgy pitch at the Arena Amazonia in Manaus – which has been sprayed green.

That makes a change. By 11pm on most Saturday nights they are struggling to control their balls on a rock- hard dodgy bitch who has been sprayed orange.