HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

IT’S a sad day for music fans as two pop favourites – Bobby Vee and Pete Burns – both pass away.

Vee was most famous for singing that he felt like a Rubber Ball.

And Burns was most famous for having a face that looked like one. THE internet goes wild for a photograph of a beautiful bride – aged 86! Former model Millie Taylor- Morrison has got this wedding business all sewn up. Not only does she look great but she can fulfil the requirements of what a bride must have at her nuptials. Something old: herself. Something new: her hip. Something borrowed: time. Something blue: varicose veins. SWEDISH pop legends Abba – average age of 70 – announce plans to reunite on stage for first time in 35 years.

Apparently some of their classic songs have been re- titled to reflect the aches, pains and bladder weakness of advancing years.

Standby for Where’s The Loo?, Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! ( A Pan After Midnight) and My Knee, My Knee, My Knee. US Presidential candidate Donald Trump avoids the bias of mainstream media by launching his own TV station. What? Why would any woman want to go to a broadcaster where they run a high risk of being groped with impunity by a powerful sex pest. They can just go to the BBC for that. MISS Iceland walks out of an international beauty pageant in the US after the organiser said she was ‘ too fat’ to take part.

Never mind, luv. You can always re- enter as Miss Iceberg. TWO women launch a campaign to have the term ‘ Essex girl’ removed from the dictionary. They say it’s rude, sexist and demeaning to suggest that all ladies from that part of England are dumb bimbos. The term has been included in dictionaries since the mid- 1980s, but apparently it’s taken them this long to get to E. They also say it’s a rubbish book because there’s no pictures in it and the story makes absolutely no sense. MORE THAN A MOUTHFUL: Tasty Nora Roberts didn’t even get chance to cook production team any grub