HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

THE manager of a Cardiff pub apologises after his bouncers ban a group of PRIESTS from entering – having mistaken them for a stag party in fancy dress.

To be fair, it’s easy to get confused.

Stags love a good groom. And so do priests. Allegedly. PSYCHIC medium Derek Acorah is among the latest batch of “stars” to join the Celebrity Big Brother house as a new series of the reality show is launched. Acorah claims he can look beyond this realm and talk with the eternal dead. That’ll be handy. He can look for the other housemates’ careers while he’s there. A GANG of convicts escape from a US prison by using peanut butter to alter a sign on a door, fooling a guard into leaving it open.

They sound like smooth criminals. Or maybe crunchy ones. STUNNING TV presenter Kelly Brook is teased by cruel online bullies about piling on a few pounds. So what if she has? She got famous by doing The Big Breakfast every morning. Now it looks like she’s done a few Big Lunches, Big Dinners and Big Bags of Crisps Before Bed. For the record, Kelly, we still would. THE ambitious owner of Billericay Town FC sacks his whole troupe of cheerleaders as some of them were trying to cop off with the team.

It seems the girls got their instruction mixed up.

Ladies, when we said to grab them, waggle them near your face and then spend a few minutes tossing them, we meant the pom poms. Not the players. POLICE say mafia groups have joined forces with Islamic State terrorists to make huge profits selling oil.

That’s a scary combination.

But on the positive side it could lead to some cracking re- makes of the old gangster flicks.

We’re looking forward to watching Good Fallujahs, Once Upon A Time In Afghanistan, or how about a classic Cockney caper starring Abu Hamza and a pair of saucy suicide bombers: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Burkahs.