ON SUNDAY

DEANO

THERE was much merriment last week when it emerged that a step- by- step guide to making TOAST was put up in a ward kitchen at University Hospital Southampton.

The two- page poster – which included a full equipment list – tells staff to “place required bread into slots” and then to “turn toaster dial to setting 2.5 and push lever down”.

After successfully toasting the bread, workers are guided to place “in either beverage trolley, toast compartment” or a “suitable receptacle” such as a plate or tray, and serve it to patients with “butter/ margarine and appropriate conserves, knife and napkin”.

Unbelievably, officials included a “toaster” and “brown or white bread” on a list of “required equipment” for making the toast.

The advice also warned staff not to attempt the task unless they are fully- trained. Fully- trained. In making toast. Conservative MP Nadine Dorries raged: “Isn’t it blindly obvious how to make a piece of toast?”

Joyce Robbins of Patient Concern said: “It treats the staff like little children who don’t know what to do.” It’s the sort of story that makes you roll your eyes and wonder “what will they come up with next?!”

But when you think about it, University Hospital Southampton are probably being sensible here. There are thousands of spiv solicitors who would happily take the case of any NHS worker who claimed they’d burned their hand on hot toast due to “insufficient training”.

Or someone who claimed anxiety caused by the fire alarms being set off when they burned a couple of rounds of Mother’s Pride.

And, on top of all the legal considerations, we must remember that many people in this country are thicker than the crisp on a farmhouse bloomer.

The way to make toast may be “blindingly obvious” to some, but you cannot legislate for morons.

And Britain, alas, is rammed with halfwits and common sense is a rare thing indeed.

Look on any road – the way some people drive can only be explained by narcotic madness or amoeba- level intelligence.

What about people who pick up their dog’s shit in a little bag, then hang said bag from a nearby bush?

What kind of drooling cretin does that?!

And look at out- of- town shopping centres at weekend – especially a few weeks before Christmas.

Filled with people and every one certifiable.

So, yes, we do – in the land of the morons – need to tell some people the proper way to make f** king toast.