THE SUPERMARKET CHRISTMAS TURKEY SEX TEST with Consumer Champion ROD COLLINS

TURKEY WITH RIMMINGS: Rod WITH Tesco dominating the UK grocery trade, many millions of us will be sitting down to a bird from them on Christmas Day.

But while it may be perfectly delicious on the plate surrounded by roasties, sprouts and all the trimmings and slathered in lashings of juicy gravy, how does Tesco turkey measure up as a sex bird? Alas, it falls short. The interior of the cavity was rough to the bellend and the carcass provided little purchase.

While completion was eventually achieved, I regret to say this could hardly be called an epic session. IN recent years Morrisons have, they are first to admit, wobbled.

But if the sexual performance of the Bradford- based retailer’s turkeys is anything to go by, 2019 is going to be a bumper year for the chain.

The flesh of the bird was plump and giving and felt almost enthusiastic.

The finish was clean and there was no detritus on the bellend.

That’s always important, as all in the turkey sex community would agree.

Firm yet yielding with just the right amount of plumpness around the parson’s nose to make things fun.

An unexpected delight. CHRISTMAS is coming, the geese are getting fat…

Of course, few people have goose at Christmas these days – which is a bit of a shame because the natural juices of the goose make it an ideal bird for festive intercourse.

But the traditional turkey is a perfectly adequate substitute, at a push, and of course is far more readily available in the shops than goose.

With turkeys fetching a premium at this time of year, it really would not do to buy a sub- standard bird for sex purposes.

So today we look at some of the major retailers’ festive birds and “road test” them for fornication ahead of the Big Day.

But take caution, the frozen turkeys reviewed here must be thawed before sex or frostbite can occur. FOR pork pies, there is no other place to go.

Their chipsticks are a triumph and their tinned stewed steak is second to none.

But their turkeys, when it comes to sex, leave so much to be desired.

Like a posh lady whom you were expecting to be a filthy bitch but turned out to be a squeamish prude – the M& S bird promised much but delivered little.

Unsettlingly flimsy at full- thrust with a flesh more hard than firm, this turkey is – well – a bit of a turkey f** k- wise. WIFE: Jeanette Stevens