Ape army set to wipe us all out!

BOFFINS have warned a firm which connected a MONKEY’S brain to a computer is paving the way for armies of robot simian soldiers that could wipe out humanity.

NeuraLink, set up by tech billionaire Elon Musk ( above) to explore ways to connect the human brain to a computer interface, has applied to US regulators to start trialling its device on people.

The system has been tested on a monkey which was able to control a PC with its brain, according to Mr Musk.

The firm said it wanted to focus on patients with severe neurological conditions.

But some experts have cautioned that Musk’s breakthrough could lead to a Planet of the Apes- style calamity that will ultimately destroy mankind.

Dr Jeff Stokes, a former lecturer in cybernetics at the University of West Lancs, said: “This is Planet of the Apes meets Terminator – and the human race came out the worst in both those films!” PRICEY: The real Gucci trainers SEX- STARVED Barry Toft says he’s beating off the pussy with a shitty stick – and it’s all thanks to knock- down retailer POUNDLAND!

Because ever since the 65- year- old invested £ 9 in a pair of their new trainers, his cock has not been dry.

Barry laughed: “All the birds round here reckon they’re them Gucci ones and they start frothing at the gash when they see ’ em.

“They can’t wait to get their bloomers down and get a piece of Little Barry!”

Poundland – found in shopping arcades up and down Britain – is famed for its cheeky marketing.

And now it’s selling a pair of trainers that are almost identical to designer brand Gucci’s £ 445 version.

Loved by the likes of Kourtney Kardashian and Taylor Swift, the pricey designer pair of pumps are popular among celebrities and what the young people call “influencers”.

But at almost £ 450 per pair, they don’t come cheap.

So, an almost identical version from Poundland is flying off the shelves – and Barry was one of the first to pick up a size nine pair.

Barry, of Salford, added: “Until I got these pumps, I’d not had sex since the Queen Mum’s funeral.

“But once I’d been to Poundland and bought my new pumps I was up to my eyes in pussy. Salford birds go mad for decent trainers and they went mad for mine.

“My knob’s red raw… I’m literally drowning in pussy!”

Poundland’s trainers were an immediate sensation last week thanks to their similarity to the luxury Gucci originals.

At first glance, the only feature setting the two pairs apart is a slight difference in colour.

While Gucci’s signature ‘ Ace’ trainers feature green and red stripes, the bargain Poundland version features black and red.

An expert said: “It’s very cheeky!”