THREE WEEKS EATING BOG ROLL
Brian panic bought 300 rolls and had no money left for food
WHEN Brian Kershaw saw which way the virus wind was blowing, he didn’t want to take any chances.
So the unemployed swimming coach rushed down to the supermarket and bought plenty of toilet roll to keep his nipsy wiped during any prolonged quarantine.
But unfortunately, after blowing all the money he had on THREE HUNDRED rolls of shit tickets, 49- year- old Brian didn’t have any money left for grub.
So now he’s left with little alternative – he’s EATING his stash of loo roll.
Unmarried Brian, of
Biddulph, Staffs, groaned: “I was watching the news and was certain that the Chinese Death Plague would eventually arrive here.
“I subscribe to quite a few urban survival sites on the internet, so I knew that toilet roll was the number one essential at a critical time like this.
“I timed it right and got to the supermarket before the real panic buying started.
“I counted my money and realised I had enough cash for 300 rolls.
“But when I got home, put the rolls away and went to the cupboard, I realised I had very little food in store.
“I ate the last I had and then, there was nothing else for it, I had to start eating my precious loo rolls.”
Brian added: “I’ve been troughing it for three weeks now. I would love to say it gets better with time but I have to be honest, it’s absolutely revolting.
“The ironic thing is that it’s made me constipated so, after going to all that effort and expense to buy loo roll, I don’t even need the stuff for its proper function. Bah!” Plight
However, many of Brian’s nearest neighbours are unsympathetic to his plight.
One, who refused to give his name, spat: “He’s not right that one, not right in the head.
“You know why he lost his job as a swimming coach, don’t you? Two words: Len Fairclough. That’s all I’m saying.”