Eating roadkill starlings made me fail works drug test
ALAN BLAMES BIZARRE BOFFINS’ EXPERIMENT FOR SACKING
WHEN it comes to being thrifty, Alan Thomas knows a thing or two.
Despite having a top job in IT, the 29- year- old spends less than £ 60 a month on food.
That’s because he gets nearly all his protein needs from eating dead animals he finds at the side of the road.
Alan, from Milton Keynes, says he came up with the idea one morning on his way to work.
But his prudence has backfired and he’s been sacked from his £ 90k- a- year job because he failed a drug test.
Alan insists he has never taken drugs of any kind and claims the positive test must have come from eating a starling that had been laced with drugs by scientists.
He said: “I started eating roadkill one morning when I hadn’t slept or eaten for three days and felt a bit
weird. I saw a badger at the side of the road and thought, ‘ I’m having that’.
“Now it makes up the majority of my diet – everything from otters to starlings.” He was fired last week after testing positive for opiates, at the same time as a study revealed that boffins had been giving starlings fentanyl to see what effect it had on their singing.
Alan reckons it he must have eaten one of those birds which resulted in his positive test.
He said: “I had spent the weekend mostly sleeping and hadn’t really had the energy for eating so I was starving when I spotted a dead starling on the way into work.
“So I defeathered it, stuck it in the microwave and had it for lunch with a Ryvita I nicked off one of the girls.” Scratching his arms and fidgeting in his seat as he revealed his plight, Alan fixed our reporter with red, sunken eyes and said: “I don’t know what I am going to do. I’m skint.”