SEPTIC MEG

Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer…

YOU know the grass needs cutting, so you’re impatiently waiting for Bob- a- Job day. If that still exists.

YOU’RE not overly afraid of change but wondering if the missus buying a thick- girth 12- inch strap- on is, perhaps, for you, a bit of a change too far.

DEEP down in your heart of hearts, you know Boris Johnson is absolutely shit at this PM lark.

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

YOU’RE curious to know, in the middle of all the coronavirus gloom and doom, if there’s anyone left in world suicide record- holding Finland who hasn’t topped themselves yet.

YOU’RE wondering if teachers are going for gold and attempting never to return to work ever again while still demanding huge pay rises for doing f** k all, obvs.

YOU think that children now demanding full stops be scrubbed from the English language – they say full stops are a bit “abrupt” – should perhaps have been a period.

YOU think you’ve smelled the worst thing you’ve ever smelt, but, my dear fellow stargazer, you have not. That’s when a Labrador farts while you’re having your tea.

TRAVELLING at light speed to the edges of the known universe will still not help to find the answer to why Nicola Sturgeon is STILL on the f** king telly every day.

VISTAPRINT emails you every day about getting mugs with your name on them, just because you ordered some business cards a decade ago.

IN the next seven days, you will completely disassociate yourself from someone simply because they have a f** king mouse- mat.

YOU’RE considering moving to Moscow, on the grounds that it sounds like more of a thriller than anything Woke Hollywood can produce.