HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN MONDAY TUESDAY
BORIS Johnson drops a coronavirus bombshell by banning gatherings of more than six people.
The Prime Minister will do anything to avoid seeing all of his kids at Christmas, won’t he?
The news went down badly with most people, including the Seven Dwarfs. Apparently one of them is Grumpy.
THE Health Secretary Matt Hancock issues a shocking warning to young people: “Don’t kill your gran”.
To be fair, it’s the best chance most of them have of ever owning a house. But he didn’t mean deliberately.
He was talking about the dangers of picking up COVID- 19 and accidentally passing it onto frail, old relatives.
We can’t help but think that such an important message would be better coming from someone with a proven track record of cherishing and loving grandmothers.
PRINCE Harry and his wife Meghan stump up £ 2.4m to pay for the refurbishment of their London home, Frogmore Cottage.
They raised the cash – which initially came from UK tax money – by selling their souls ( sorry, their great ideas for informative and entertaining programmes) to the streaming giant Netflix.
Time to rename that house. Flog- more Cottage has a nice ring to it.
FASHION brand Louis Vuitton launches the latest must- have garment for the new season: a £ 750 face visor.
The expensive item provoked a storm of anger, but we think it’s fair enough.
The only people who wear Louis Vuitton are Cheshire slappers who desperately want to bag a footballer husband.
Which means they’re going to need more facial protection than most.
MOVIE studios are ordered to improve the “diversity” of their films if they want to stand a chance of winning an Oscar.
Oh great. Can’t wait to enjoy all those new movies which are made to please the lefty, woke brigade.
Just imagine how many belters we’d have missed out on if that had been the rule in the 1970s.
Stand by for such classics as The Godmother, One Cycled Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Kramer Consciously Uncouples With Kramer Before Co- Parenting Their Son in a Perfectly Amicable Fashion.
THE new Premier League seasons re- starts in empty stadia with no fans, singing or atmosphere.
Or, if you’re an Arsenal fan, the Premier League re- starts.